Flyball!

I am not sure or not whether this is my newest favourite thing, but it is certainly a thing that came to my attention at the Canberra Show earlier this year. I had not heard of Flyball before. It is described in the Australian Flyball Association website as ‘a relay race between two teams of four dogs. Each dog must jump over four hurdles, retrieve a ball by triggering a flyball box pedal and then return over the hurdles to the start/ finish line’. 

Whereas the site continues to say, ‘Flyball is a canine team sport which is founded on the activities that dogs love to do - run, jump, fetch, retrieve, compete and most of all: their desire to please their owners’. But it would say that, wouldn’t it? A common internet search ‘is Flyball good for dogs’ returns the result, ‘it places greater stress on the body, increasing the risk of a potential muscular injury.’

Other questions ask which are the best breeds to participate in Flyball. The answer here is ‘There is no discrimination in Flyball. Any dog; regardless of breed, size, shape or formal training, can participate and join in on the fun’. It’s true, we saw a range of dogs competing, with the border collies and kelpies enjoying themselves and the smaller terriers and hounds executing incredible flying leaps. 

There is lots of noise and organised chaos and some beautiful dogs who missed the ball every time or collided with the hurdles, but the whole thing seems conducted with high spirits and humour. As long as they are all having fun and not feeling any pressure to perform, I think they are all good boys and girls.

Friday Five: Music Vibes

These are the latest designs by Spruce Craft, this month on a musical theme. I know they are sometimes cheesy and relatively easy, but I do enjoy them. I can turn them into gifts, they indulge a part of my crafty side, and they keep my hands busy while I'm watching TV, which is one way not to drink too much! And, once again, there are only four for the Friday Five, but who's counting... apart from me... and you. 

 

I really love the fabric included with this one

Gender Violence Packaged As Entertainment: The Silent Wife

The Silent Wife by Karin Slaughter

Harper Collins

Pp. 476

This is the tenth novel in the Will Trent series and comes with an expectation that the reader knows and cares about these characters. Without the prior knowledge, that’s a pretty hard sell. In an author’s note at the end, Karin Slaughter claims she writes love stories. “Really gritty, violent love stories, but still.” If love stories come with lashings of violence against women, then we might have to accept this claim, but it is depressing and disturbing for all that. The basic premise is that a man kidnaps women, leaves them drugged and immobilised, then returns to repeatedly rape them – he is found and imprisoned, but ten years later (while he is still in prison) similar crimes start up again – did they get the wrong man?

The novel alternates between times frames and returns to the cold case, which featured all the same characters but in different roles. Then, Jeffrey was investigating the case and was married to Sara. Now, Jeffrey is dead, and Will is in charge of the case with his professional partner, Faith. Will is romantically linked with Sara, the medical examiner. If there were mistakes made in the previous case, Will tries to shield Sara from errors her husband might have made. There were also glaring oversights made by Lena (such as assuming the victim was dead when she wasn’t), for which Sara cannot forgive her. Lena is still in action and pregnant, and this seems to rankle everyone, which indicates they are suffering serious trauma from a past the other books might explain if there were any interest in finding out.

In 2018 The Staunch Prize was introduced for the best thriller ‘in which no woman is beaten, stalked, sexually exploited, raped or murdered’. The founder, author and screenwriter Bridget Lawless, went on to say, “As violence against women in fiction reaches a ridiculous high, the Staunch Book Prize invites thriller writers to keep us on the edge of our seats without resorting to the same old cliches – particularly female characters who are sexually assaulted (however ‘necessary to the plot’) or done away with (however ‘ingeniously’).” It closed in 2022. Not enough entries? Some claimed it was a ‘gag order’ and the case for violence against women should be raised and addressed through fiction, even if these tropes are used as entertainment.

The Silent Wife is worth considering in this light. It begins with a woman running through the woods being stalked by a man who will brutally assault her. Rape and violence towards women are central to this novel, written by a woman. Will feels the need to point out that all rape victims are different. Might that be because they are human beings as well as ‘victims’? “Some were angry. Some entered into a fugue state. Some wanted revenge. Most desperately wanted to leave. A few had even laughed when they told their stories. He had noted the same unpredictable affects among veterans returning from war. Trauma was trauma. Every person reacted differently.”

Of course, there are plenty of police procedural tropes throughout the novel with that hard-bitten tougher-than-nails attitude Americans like to portray. One can almost hear the actors barking out the empty words on interchangeable TV programs NCIS/ CSI /SVU such as, “We don’t have bodies or crime scenes. We have guesses and a spreadsheet. The families deserve answers and this is the only way to get them.” Cops go undercover and put themselves in danger with hidden microphones seeking a confession that will result in a death penalty. They maintain that tough exterior with flippant wisecracks.

The novel is fast paced with characters superficially caring about the victims. The reader is supposed to care about the characters. It’s hard to differentiate any of them from each other, and the dialogue is written with an eye to the TV adaptation. It leaves a sensation of empty fatigue and a knowledge that as long as people are entertained by this style of violence, it will continue. The consumer may pretend to be horrified, but by treating this as a titivation, we are part of the problem.

Friday Five: Sangria etc.

Let's be clear; the 'etc.' is Aperol Spritz. Cousin Rachael introduced us to it on Ibiza, and we are very grateful. The first night we arrived in Ibiza, we were very tired and jet-lagged, not to mention temperature-shocked (having arrived from winter in Canberra), so we had an evening of soft lights, sea smells, island sounds, and the taste of Aperol Spritz. Delightful.

One day on our island trip, we took a ferry to Formentera, where we hired e-bikes (the first time I have ever ridden one) and pedalled about the place to see a lighthouse (obviously) and have lunch. Lunch was accompanied by a jug of Sangria, which seemed appropriate. One can get white or red sangria, the white being ' a modern take on the classic sangria' and made with white wine - preferrably dry - and usually slightly less heavy in alcohol volume - the perfect midway beverage on a bike ride. 

Apparently that's Tenerife

After we'd returned the bikes (with some elementary Spanish sorting out the fact that we'd lost the ticket but still wanted our deposit back - thanks, Cousin Rachael), we tried out the Aperol Spritz at the ferry terminal while waiting to embark.

Another day; another form of transport. We negotiated buses to Ibiza Town, where Him Outdoors had to register for the race, and Cousin Rachael and I touristed about the place and drank jugs of sangria in the Old Town.

Back down in the poncy bit, we paid far too much for a jug of the white sangria, but the location and company were very pleasant, and we didn't really mind. 

Bedtime stories: Witches Abroad

Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett

Corgi Books

Pp.286

This, the twelfth novel in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, is the second that revolves specifically around the three witches: Granny Weatherwax; Nanny Ogg and Magrat. In Wyrd Sisters, readers were introduced to these characters, and it is a delight to welcome them back like old friends. Magrat inherits a wand from Desiderata so she must become a fairy godmother and interfere in stories: she can’t help but turn things into pumpkins and she tries to stop Embers from going to the ball and marrying a prince, who is, in fact, a frog. Stories have power because they inform belief, and those who control the narrative have the greatest power of all.

It transpires that Granny Weatherwax has a sister, Lily – now calling herself Lilith – who wants to force people into enacting the stereotypes of the fairytales, living in a land where everyone must be happy whether they like it or not. Lily lets several stories happen simultaneously; like the evil queen who appears in the mirror, she uses mirror magic as a form of control. She has her own form of power (is she the good or the bad witch, and which one does that make Granny Weatherwax?). “She had buried three husbands, and at least two of them had been already dead.” Pratchett touches upon myths and legends as well as fairytales, so Circe, Bluebeard, Casanova, vampires and the Wizard of Oz intermingle with Cinderella, Rumpelstiltskin, the Three Little Pigs, Little Red Riding Hood, the Three Bears, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty – “There’ll be a spinning wheel at the bottom of all this, you mark my words.”

As the witches set off to right the wrongs of the world, they learn about the structure of stories: “Three was an important number for stories. Three wishes, three princes, three billy goats, three guesses… three witches. The maiden, the mother and the… other one. That was one of the oldest stories of all.” Naturally, not all these conventions are true, for example, “The natural size of a coven is one. Witches only get together when they can’t avoid it.” Meanwhile, Nanny Ogg sends postcards home to our Jason, about what it’s like to be abroad or in foreign parts (where they do odd things like ‘drink fizzy wine out of ladies’ boots’) and obviously the structure and convention of writing postcards is its own artform – sadly, practically lost in 2023.

Granny Weatherwax dislikes stories because she thinks they are unnatural, and they try to make people conform. “You get too involved with stories, you get confused. You don’t know what’s really real and what isn’t. And they get you in the end. They send you weird in the head. I don’t like stories. They’re not real. I don’t like things that ain’t real.” She explains the laissez-faire approach to life. “You can’t go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it’s just a cage.” One could contend that she (and by association Pratchett) is arguing against interventional socialism. “No more stories. No more godmothers. Just people, deciding for themselves. For good or bad. Right or wrong.” Or one could just enjoy it as a right rollicking story of witches abroad.

Friday Five: Theatre in 2024 So Far...

The cast of Queers at ACT Hub

1. Queers - Everyman Theatre, ACT Hub: A evening of well-performed entertainment that sits more under cabaret than theatre. It is a series of eight monologues performed by indiviual actors with no interaction between them. The direction (Jarrad West and Steph Roberts) is solid as each seperate monolgue takes us through various decades and gives some insight into the main concerns of the gay 'scene', which (according to the publisher of the works curated by Mark Gatiss) 'celebrate a century of evolving social attitudes and political milestones in British gay history. Here, the pub setting and musical interludes provided extra interest and atmosphere, with a special mention for Steph Roberts who played the bartender interracting with actors and adience alike.  
2. Last of the Red Hot Lovers - Canberra Repertory Society, Theatre 3: A fine production of a not-particularly outstanding play. Barney Cashman (David Cannell) decides he wants to have lots of sex with different women so he invites three of them individually to his appartment and fails to get intimate with any of them, possibly due to a disturbing and extremely unpleasant habit of constantly sniffing his fingers. As usual with a Neil Simon play, the self-indulgent, over-entitled, middle-aged, middle-class, mediocre white man is centre stage while the women are left to act in supporting roles. Victoria Tyrrell Dixon played the wisecracking Elaine Navazio with the perfect blend of cool confidence and comic timing, Stephanie Bailey as Bobbi Michelle played a demanding role with a lightness of touch, gradually and sensitively revealing the truth of her fantasist behaviour, and Janie Lawson as Jeanette Fisher handled existentialist dread well, although was a little stilted and uncertain of her cues.
3. After Rebecca - The Miscellany Co-operative, ACT Hub: Michelle Cooper is a tour de force in action as she delivers this one-person, seventy-five-minute mologue, which tackles themes of abuse and co-ercive control. She also co-directs with Emma Fibson, who wrote the work which transposes the story Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca to a remote outback farm. The idea of a young impressionable woman being swept off her feet by the star of a reality show only to discover when she is alone and isolated that he is more than the handsome heart-throb portrayed on television and that she is expected to be much less than the talented production assistant he met and seduced, is horrendously relevant and contemporary. It starts with a confidence which seems attractive. He takes charge, he promises adventure, he removes you from your support network, he shapes you to fit his mould, he snaps in anger, he denies everything, he will never ever stop. And you say sorry. Sixteen women have been killed in Australia this year due to ‘gender-based violence’. That’s more than one a week. It's only March. You need to see this.  

4. Sh*t-Faced Shakespeare, Macbeth - Canberra Comedy Festival, The Playhouse, Canberra Theatre Centre: Six years ago I saw Shit-Faced Shakespeare do their version of Romeo and Juliet at the Canberra Comedy Festival and I loved it. This interpretation of Macbeth is just as fun, sharp and witty, and as there is a different inebriated actor/ character each night, it has a wide range of appeal and bears repeat viewing. I also think the more you know the play; the funnier it is, and I have seen and performed in this play more times than any other of Shakespeare's canon. It's very well-crafted entertainment.
5. RBG: Of Many, One - Canberra Theatre and Sydney Theatre Company, The Playhouse, Canberra Theatre Centre: FOr anyone who saw and loved Julia and Prima Facie, this new work by Suzie Miller will be a welcome delight. Heather Mitchell portrays the titular character, Ruth Bader Ginsberg from her budding legal awakening through her appointment as a Supreme Court Justice of the USA, and her cult status that saw her labelled as Notorious RBG. I have been interested in her career so I couldn't say if prior knowledge is necessary to the enjoyment of the play, but what I can say is that Mitchell is quite brilliant in embodying the woman as she ages and develops, learning and encountering all the highs and lows of her experience. The script is spectacular as Miller blends primary source material with directorial imagination, and the performance, directed by Priscilla Jackman, is nothing short of remarkable. Theatre that tells us stories of outstanding people and their effect on their surroundings is theatre worth watching. 

An Obsession with Birds: A Bird in the Hand

A Bird in the Hand by Ann Cleeves

Pan Books

Pp. 214

The author of the books on which the series Vera and Shetland are based, Ann Cleeves wrote the first in this George and Molly Palmer-Jones series in 1986. The couple in question are retired, happy to travel the British Isles birdwatching, and solving the murders which invariably occur. George used to work at the Home Office (doing secret business), is good with details and has bouts of depression; Molly is a retired social worker who is good at listening and brings out the best in people. Naturally, they make a great couple. Both are restless with their current life and enjoy a new challenge.

A birdwatcher is found dead on a marsh with his head bashed in and his binoculars still around his neck. This is a great surprise to everyone in the small community because everyone loved him. Or did they? Of course, they didn’t, as this is an old-style mystery and secrets soon come to light complete with multiple suspects, red herrings, precise timings of the murder, poison pen letters, and suspicious alibis. At one point when discussing how the “smooth and cylindrical” murder object might be a telescope, they admit, “It had become something of a game.” After noting the sincere concern of a potential victim, however, George realises it is not so cosy. “Her fear had been wild and irrational. So was murder. He would not find his answers through reason and intellect. This was no crossword to be solved by a gentleman in an armchair. Murder was mad and unreasonable, and gentlemen had no part in it.”

The novel contains lots of interesting birdwatching information – who knew twitchers were such addicts or that they had great rivalries with ringers? Twitching is a way of life, which affects people in dramatic ways when a ‘rarity’ is discovered, and news of which sighting is shared among the community. The impulse nature and attraction of twitching is highlighted, and George considers how far one might take this addiction. “He had always considered his obsession for birds to be relatively harmless, but now his own experience showed that it could alter mood, sense, even personality, like a drug. Did it also have the power to make a person mad enough to commit murder? Twitching was a desire for possession and that was always dangerous.”

The novel offers an interesting approach to retirement, as Molly admits to an unexpected bereavement at giving up her job. “She had thought that she would enjoy a time of quiet, enjoy having the time to do things well. But she had missed work desperately. It was not just that she missed feeling useful, although that was important. It was that she missed meeting people who were different, unusual, unconventional.” Although she has no real interest in the birds, she studies the passions of the people that chase around the country from the Scilly Isles to Scotland.

These two make an interesting couple, and with a background of birdwatching to add colour to the murder scenes and motivations, this could be an engaging series to follow.

Friday Five: Ducking Cross-Stitch

The month's cross-stitch kit was called Rub a Dub. As I have mentioned before, I know there are only four in the kit, but it's my blog; my rules. This can still be a Friday Five if I choose. And I do.

The original words on this one said, 'Splish Splash Your opinion is trash', but I thought that was unnecessaily mean-spirited (and I wouldn't be giving that one to anybody) so I changed it back to the original lyric.

Friday Five: Books read in March

 

1. Iron by Rona Munro (Nick Hern Books) - This play for four actors, mainly concerns a mother daughter relationship as Josie goes to visit her mother, Fay, in prison for the first time in 15 years. Fay is imprisoned for the murder of her husband, Josie's father. Throughout the course of the play, set mainly in the visiting area, the two try to learn about each other, with Fay asking for details of Josie's life in an attempt to live vicariously through her experiences and Josie asking for annecdotes of the childhood she can't remember. Meanwhile the guards interject as all privacy is removed and people question motive and emotion. Fay tells Josie,  “It’s not the zoo, you know, you can’t come in when the fancy takes you and throw me a bun!” The dialogue is grim and brittle with rapid shifts of mood and tone as the playwright questions boundaries and how we would react if we are pushed beyond them. 
2. Outspoken by Father Rod Brown (Ebury Press) - I have a signed copy of this book from when I saw Father Rod speak at the Canberra Readers and Writers Festival in 2019. Rector of Gosforth Parish, Father Rod is most known for putting up billboards with pithy sayings espousing love and tolerance, and denouncing bigotry and hate, 'because justice is always social'. The story begins with his autobiography, and then moves into a call for a discussion about morals and faith, and how he believes they relate to issues such as migrants, marriage equality and the review of child abuse within the church. While holding onto his values, theology, and decency, he rejects much of the Bible-thumping conservatism often equated with Christianity. He is actually the Anglican priest we should welcome into our hearts and homes for thoughtful and rational debate in a space of respect and compassion for all. 
3. The White Cottage Mystery by Margery Allingham (Penguin) - Margery Allingham’s first detective story, published initially as a newspaper serial,is a country house mystery of the type favoured by the Queens of Crime and follows the formula expertly. The blurb on the back summarises, “Seven people might have murdered Eric Crowther, the mysterious recluse who lived in the gaunt house whose shadow fell across the White Cottage. Seven people had good cause. It was not lack of evidence that sent Detective Chief Inspector Challenor and his son Jerry half across Europe to unravel a chaos of clues.” The clues involve people trying to cover their secrets, such as blackmail, homosexuality, adultery, class pretence, and other sins. Attitudes may have changed, but the well-plotted drama and general motivation to keep things hidden remains. As with all Golden Age detective mystery fiction, the crime is treated as something of a game. W.T. muses on the suspects, “They all behave as if they were innocent, and yet each one is hiding something. Each has a motive for killing Crowther, and admits it freely. No sane person would dare to do that unless they felt safe.” It is, of course, baffling to the duo attempting to solve it. The White Cottage Mystery is a gripping, short caper, capable of being consumed in a day, and the fine plotting ensures that everything is neatly tied up with a bow after all. This is highly recommended for fans of the genre.

4. Cat vs Cat: Keeping Peace When You Have More Than One Cat by Pam Johnson-Bennett (Penguin) - This is a practical book full of information about feline dynamics and how to handle them. It covers topics from introducing a new, younger, cat to the household where there is already an established resident (and why you might choose not to do that in the first place) to calming a scared or anxious cat, and the trouble with anthropomorphosising your pet. The main piece of advice is to always give the cat a choice (including plenty of places, on a variety of levels, to hide, if that's what they want) and provide enough resources that the cats don't have to share. This includes food and water bowls, litter trays and human playtime or interaction. Cats will happily curl up to sleep and groom together, but they always need their own space and independence. I respect that.
5. All That I Am by Anna Funder (Peungin) - First published in 2011, this novel about characters involved in left-wing activism in 1930s Germany received stacks of awards in Australia, including the Australian Book Industry Award Book of the Year. The author is Australian. The four main characters are forced to flee Munich and become exiles in London. Based on real people, the fictionalised version of their lives seems simultaneously sanitised and dramatised for clearer narrative. Justifiable paranoia and a sense of betrayal afflict the remaining members of the once tight-knit group who narrate their stories in alternate chapters from Sydney and New York. It's gripping with elements of secrecy and espionage with a high sense of danger. Of course I was far too contrary to read it when it was on everyone's book pile, and more than ten years on, I wonder if it still meets all the hype.

Quilts at the Canberra Show

Last month we went to the Royal Canberra Show. There were many impressive items on display, but I felt the quality of the quilts deserved a post of their own. I love the colours and the shapes; the design and the intricacy.

 

I also know the hours of work that goes into making them, and I like to think that people stitched them while sat around with friends, listening to music or podcasts, or enjoying solitude and a beverage of their choice.

Of course, I have a soft spot for the cats, but in the interests of fairness, I should include the dogs too. And the giraffe is just gorgeous.

The abstraction and the palette chosen are fascinating. Yellow seems a popular choice for happiness as in the sunflowers, but it also lends a confident golden glow in some of the bolder designs.

It's fascinating to see these quilts as a historical record, whether it be of ancient Egyptian culture or the more recent late Queen ELizabeth II. 

Friday Five: Io'll Give it Foive: Rating Systems

I am currently on a theatre judging panel, and previously I have been a professional reviewer. Don't get me started on the talent and skill required to review or the inherent complications with reviewing theatre in a small town (you will receive death threats if you say anything negative about a play that someone's mate's in, and woe betide anyone who says that the kid in the school fiasco was anything other than a little angel - it's always better than Broadway...). Everyone thinks they can do it, and, given the proliferation of social media and available platforms, they try. Spoiler: they can't.

Anyway, as I am scarred for life by precocious and entitled responses to reviews ('they just didn't get it' is a familiar refrain from people producing sub-standard work that they think is hilarious), that is not what this post is about. Due to the aforementioned social media attitude, many people don't even read reviews - they just want to see the rating. And in a world where semantically 'average' (which is perfectly acceptable by definition) has come to mean bad, and an A grade is insufficient for your little darling who clearly deserves an A*, how do we rate books, plays, films, etc.?

Our judging guidelines suggest that 1-4 is limited development; 5-6 is well developed, and 7-10 is excellent. According to our mean average (we have eight judges, so we add up the scores and divide by eight), three-quarters of the shows we have seen this year are excellent. I can assure you, dear reader; they are not. But people are afraid to give what is perceived as a 'low' score.

Oftentimes, a simple number out of ten (or five) is sufficient. There was a British TV show called Thank Your Lucky Stars, which ran from 1961 to 1966. As this was before I was born, I never saw it, but I know it featured a segment called Spin-a-Disc in which a guest DJ and three teenagers reviewed three singles. Janice Nicholls, a former office clerk from the Midlands coined the catchphrase, ‘Oi’ll give it foive’, which she said in a strong Black Country accent, and which became a common phrase in our household. 

With certain artistic sports which are included in the Olympics (another topic best avoided unless you want to be in for a long night), the highest and lowest judges' scores are removed so things are supposedly more representative. This is intended to circumvent the Eurovision Song Contest/ Local Theatre Community phenomenon of everyone giving top marks to their best mates. It doesn't always work, but it is a start. Or we could write out formulae and get specific, although still with plenty of room for interpretation, as in some of these rating systems.

1. The Richter Scale: According to Britannica.com, the Richter Scale is a quantitative measure of an earthquake's magnitude, determined using the logarithm of the amplitude (height) of the largest seismic wave calibrated to a scale by a seismograph. Originally devised to measure the magnitude of earthquakes of moderate size (magnitude 3 to magnitude 7), theoretically, the Richter scale has no upper limit, although in practice no earthquake has ever been registered on the scale above magnitude 8.6 (the Valdivia earthquake of 1960). Each increase of one unit on the scale represents a 10-fold increase in the magnitude of an earthquake. In other words, numbers on the Richter scale are proportional to the common (base 10) logarithms of maximum wave amplitudes. Each increase of one unit also represents the release of about 31 times more energy than that represented by the previous whole number on the scale (That is, an earthquake measuring 5.0 releases 31 times more energy than an earthquake measuring 4.0). Confused? Me too - that's why I leave it to the seismologists. 
2. British Board of Film Classification: This one seems relatively straightforward. The focus is 'to help children and families choose well by providing them with the guidance they need to help them choose what's right for them and avoid what's not'. The classifications are - U (suitable for all or 'universal'); PG (Parental Guidance); 12A (Cinema release suitable for 12 years and over); 12 (Video release suitable for 12 years and over); 15 (suitable only for 15 years and over); 18 (suitable only for 18 years and over); R18 (Adults works for licensed premises only). The classification board states on its website that it takes into consideration 'bad language, dangerous behaviour, discrimination, drugs, horror, nudity, sex, violence and sexual violence, when making recommendations. They also consider context, tone and impact - how it makes the audience feel - and even the release format - for example, as DVDs, Blu-rays and VoD content are generally watched at home, there is a higher risk of under-age viewing'. This is not just an organisation designed to spoil your fun, but one which takes seriously its responsibility to prevent the viewing public from experiencing unnecessary trauma. The problems arise because different classification boards have different standards and measures. For example, the Motion Picture Association of film rating system has several different bands (with different age recommendations depending on state) and Americans tend to censor 'bad language' much more heavily than violence. 
3. Magna Carta - Clause 35: Since 1215 it has been enshrined in British law that beer is served in pints (568ml equivalent) and half pints (284ml equivalent). The actual wording is, 'There shall be standard measures of wine, ale, and corn (the London quarter), throughout the kingdom.' This makes perfect sense: you know what you're getting and can compare prices with total transparency. Unlike the system in Australia of pints (which may or may not be the same size as a UK pint), pots, midis, schooners, glasses, handles, schmiddies, butchers, ponies, bobbies and sevens. These are different names and sizes depending on which state is serving your beer. It's annoying and frustrating. Beer should not be messed about like this.

4. Climbing: This is so that wispy-bearded climbers can hang out in cafes drinking mugs of tea and impressing each other with their tales of derring-do and how they plan to conquer the HVD, when it stops raining. As with many areas of specific lingo, they all know what they're talking about and form a club that deliberatly excludes those who don't. The adjective grades attempt to give a sense of the overall difficulty of the climb. This will be influenced by many aspects, including 'seriousness, sustaindness, technical difficulty, exposure, strenousness, rock quality, and any other less tangible aspects which lend difficulty to a pitch.' Apparently it is an open system, which the guidebooks smugly indicate runs from 'Easy, which is barely climbing, to E11, which has been barely climbed'. Along the way we have Moderate (M), Very Difficult (VD), Hard Very Difficult (HVD), Mild Severe (MS), Severe (S), Hard Severe (HS), Mild Very Severe (MVS), Very Severe (VS), Hard Very Severe (HVS), and Extremely Severe. The last category is further broken down into sub-grades from E1 to E11, with the numerical technical grading describing the hardest (crux) move on the climb. You're welcome.
5. The Beaufort Wind Scale: The Shipping Forecast is many people's favourite part of the news, sport and weather radio bulletin. As well as providing a litany of fantastically poetic names (disappointingly many of them are just lumps of rock in the sea), it also enlists the Beaufort wind force scale to deliver weather warnings. The scale ranges from 1.Calm (wind speed <1km/h; probable wave height 0m) to 11.Hurricane (wind speed 118+ km/h; probable wave height 14+m), which is highly scientific with all wind speeds measured at 10 metres above ground using meterological instruments. What is more lyrical are the specifications, which relate descriptions of likely observations on land or at sea. For example, the specification for 5.Fresh Breeze (wind speed 29-38 km/h; probable wave height 2m) is 'Small trees in leaf begin to sway; crested wavelets form on inland waters. Moderate waves, many white horses', while a 9.Strong Gale (wind speed 75-88km/h; probable wave height 7m) is described as, 'Slight structural damage (chimney pots and slates removed). Wave crests topple over, and spray affects visibility'. In case you are wondering about that previously-mentioned hurricane, it is, quite simply, 'Devastation. Air filled with foam and spray, very poor visibility.'