Friday Five: Crustacean Cross-Stitch

I must admit, I thought these guys were pretty cute, although there could be something fishy going on...? These were the latest projects from my subscription box, plus I have made it up to five with one of the designs I created for a cast member in Dead Man's Cell Phone, as previously shared. 

 

Cringeworthy Attempt To Be Modern: According to Yes

According to Yes by Dawn French

Penguin

Pp. 365

Rosie Kitto, an eccentric primary school teacher from England, finds herself a position as a nanny/ au pair/ governess in an uptight house in Manhattan’s upper East Side for the Wilder-Bingham family. She has recently suffered a breakup, and she desperately wants to have a baby, so she decides to say yes to everything, hence the title, and sleep with every male in the household, despite the fact they are already in relationships. Her resulting pregnancy is the opposite of the immaculate conception as she has been intimate with the father, Kemble, son, Teddy, and randy old goat grandfather, Thomas. By the end of the book, no one knows who’s the father, so they all decide to help her raise the baby together, which is so preposterous that it really doesn’t count as a spoiler.

We are meant to take against the matriarch and grandmother, Glenn, because she is so cold that the men can’t help themselves but fall into bed with the plump, voluptuous and voracious Rosie. Glenn tries to control her family and replaces affection with obedience. “She has forgotten that if you don’t stoke the fire, it goes out.” She is upset when she is ignored by her family and she sits, “suspended in time, wondering if she matters”, while everyone fawns over Rosie.

Rosie takes the young twins, Red and Three, on trips to museums and parks to teach them things – one almost expects her to pop through a chalk painting on the pavement. She knows more about the city than those who have lived there all their lives because she is special and curious and connected.Of course, the boys pay attention and learn what they are meant to; they all take up gardening and plant new life in the plot on the roof. The boys want their parents’ attention, but as they don’t get it, they are sad and Rosie offers life lessons in a mawkish manner. 

The novel is crammed with out-dated clichés, about the lack of sophistication in England, which the U.S. market will love. The whole thing is written in the present tense, which is almost as irksome as her attempts to be ‘one of us’, which come across as cringe-worthy. She is apparently bold and direct. She teaches the boys to shout ‘Penis’ as loudly as they can get away with in public spaces. Hilarious. If you’re six. Why should others going about their business have to be disturbed by you indulging yourself with profanity?

When Thomas finally reconciles with Glenn, he tells her, “I wish I could shrink your fear, Glennie, then you could just come home and be my wife, Kemble’s mother and the boys’ granma. The real true you. Not the one you try so hard to pretend to be.” So, all that is left for a woman to have a happy ending is in her relation to men. Or to have a baby. Give me a break. This novel is infuriating in its middle-class conservatism and sexism. Dawn French’s alternative comedy status is long gone, as the cover endorsement by the Daily Mail should indicate.