Eurovision 2026 - Just the Songs

I know we all know that Eurovision is all about the staging and the politics and the personalities and the drinking games, but let's imagine just for a moment that it is actually a song competition and purely about the songs themselves. In that vein, I listened to them all without pictures (moving or otherwise), or without knowing which country they were representing, and this is my honest commentary on what I heard (in the order in which they appear on the official Eurovision Song Contest 2026 playlist).

Viva Moldova!

1. Dara - Bangaranga: I don't think they're referring to sexual relations with ginger-haired folk; it's got house beats, changes in tempo and a female-Prodigy energy. 
2. Felicia - My System: Kylie Minogue meets The Pet Shop Boys in this disco rave beats banger. Sample lyric: "You're in my head, my heart, my body parts; I can't get you out of my system."
3. Soren Torpegaard Lund - For Vi Gar Hjem: The pretty, boring ballad with the obvious chord progression, which will probably live rent free in the head.
4. Linda Lampenius, Pete Parkkonen - Leikinheitin: It's way too busy, but I like the violins.
5. Antigone - Jalla: More dancing and exhortation to hear the beat of the drum, shake your hips, dance on the table and get lost in the rhythm (or something like that). There's a smattering of ethnic styling and I imagine up-tempo belly dancing.
6. Sarah Engels - Fire: Is this Cyprus trying to be Destiny's Child complete with the earthy growl/ grunt ting and lyrics such as 'Boy, I'm out of your league.' There will doubtless be accompanying hair flicking and gratuitous crotch flashing.
7. Alexandra Capitanescu - Choke Me: Are you f*^king kidding me? It's probably supposed to be empowering and dark emo and all that, with a touch of Shakespeare's Sister-lite odd trills and screams, but the sub-dom lyrics are deeply unpleasant. 'All I need is your love. I want you to choke me.'
8. Satoshi - Viva, Moldova!: They clearly don't want to win the competition with this song - they haven't even got the budget for lyrics or tune. With ethnic instruments and unmelodic chanting, this had better have fun staging.
9. Akylas - Ferto: I'd dance to this down the clerb. Did he mention rally cars? It's got limited lyrics, but it feels pretty inclusive. I hope they have a gimmicky dance.
10. Jonas Lovv - Ya Ya Ya: It's got guts, broken bones (lyrically speaking) and an Arctic Monkeys/ White Stripes vibe, so I really like it but it won't get to the final. I'm also terrible at predicting these things so it may go on and win this thing. Or neither.
11. Sal da Vinci - Per sempre si: Sounds like a 1980s-style holiday music; there's probably one of those awful choreographed YMCA-type dances associated with it.
12. Monroe - Regarde!: This is outstandingly Fench hitting soaring operatic vocal highs and completing the gamut down to the spoken word. One could say Le chanson va partous. 
13. Veronica Fusaro - Alice: I really like this Amy Winehouse-style offering.



Eclipse by Delta Goodrem

14. Delta Goodrem - Eclipse: Obviously I know this is the Australian entry because I live here, and not under a rock. It's a strong commercial Euro-pop ballad with simple chords, mentions of astronomical love and those shouty vocals they seem to favour, plus she has an international profile since her Neighbours days, so it is perhaps in with a chance, although I question the lyric, 'We've only just begun'. I would say, it's been 11 years, Australia; you've had your fun; time to give it a rest now.
15. Cosmo - Tanzschein: This fills the dull dance number slot. 
16. Noam Bettan - Michelle: Ma Belle it is not, although the heartfelt sincerity is almost unbearable. Apparently this is Israel's representative so the crowd will hate it but it will mysteriously get lots of votes.
17. Lelek - Andromeda: Great vocal harmonies create a wall of sound combining traditional ethno and modern pop.
18. Essyla - Dancing on the Ice: Has Justin Trousersnake got a sister, because that's what this sounds like. 
19. Eva Marija - Mother Nature: I could have sworn that was Regina Spektor. It's quite clever with an appealing arrangement including some violin string plucking. They sing in English and sound pretty cute, so I'm guessing this is Luxembourg.
20. Bzikebi - On Replay: Typical bland boring Euro fare.
21. Tamara Zivkovic - Nova Zora: Military opera with a Euro beat and a voice changer. My printer was making weird noises, or was it the song?
22. Alis - Nan: A touch military and builds with good backing vocals but a fairly pedestrian lead and arrangement.
23. Vanilla Ninja - Too Epic to Be True: This is quite charming with an innocent Kim Wilde feel (I know a few folk who'd like that...); a disco/pop number with a fun spoken word section.



Look Mum, No Computer

24. Look Mum No Computer - Eins, Zwei, Drei: If I didn't already know this was the U.K., the piss-taking posturing nihilism and novelty-song elements with the post-modern refrain, "I'm s bored with it; what's the point of it?" No one will appreciate this disrespectful take on the contest.
25. Aidan - Bella: The highlight is the soaring James Bond-esque opening, and then there are some powerful strings but it descends into weak plinky plonky nonsense.
26. Simon - Palmoa Rumba: This is the hardcore club sound that leads to a great light show and no votes.
27. Senhit - Superstar: Not bad but not distinctive; a general disco dance tune.
28. Daniel Zizka - Crossroad: A bloke just shouting and wailing isn't music. I blame The Voice.
29. Alicja - Pray: An interesting mix of genres with some gospel energy and then some hip-hop rap.
30. Lavina - Kraj mene: The gloomy death metal number with dark sounds and screams. I like it, whihc I believe is the kiss of death.
31. Leleka - Ridnym: This is the sort of breathy tune I would expect from musical theatre, so it's fine if you like that sort of thing. I don't. A note on the high pitch squealing: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
32. Lion Ceccah - Solo Quiero Mas: This one is the Euro filler; time to put the kettle on. 
33. Atvara - Ena: This means something to someone; it seems incredibly earnest with sudden spikes and heaps of emotion. I like the piano and the backing vocals. 
34. Bandidos do Cante - Rosa: It's quite bad when it strats out a cappella, and then the ethnic strings join in and it gets even worse. This might have done quite well in 1976. I think we've moved on. I hope we have, anyway. 
35. Jiva - Just Go: Imagine I Will Survive at half tempo. You're strong, well done, we get it, get off.

Alicja 

Friday Five: Books in Song

One of the books I read last month was by Richard Brautigan. I read it because of the song, Have You Ever Heard a Digital Accordion by the fabulously bonkers band, The Lovely Eggs. And it made me think how much I have learned from music, as lyrics have frequently piqued my interest to learn more about historical, political and literary facts and figures. So here are five authors referred to in song that I have investigated further due to a lyric or two, or an entire song, or several. 

1. Brendan Beehan - there are many Pogues songs which namecheck the Irish poet, novelist, playwright and activist. Due to songs such as Streams of Whiskey and Thousands are Sailing I read The Quare Fellow, An Giall (The Hostage), Borstal Boy, Confessions of an Irish Rebel, and a couple of biographies by Michael O'Sullivan and Ulick O'Connor. As a man who joined the IRA aged 16 (after having been a member of the 'boy scout group' of the organisation aged 14), embarked on an unauthorised solo mission to blow up the Liverpool docks (for which he was imprisoned in a borstal), was sentenced to prison for attempted murder aged 19, promoted the use of Gaelic (which he taught himself to write and speak while in prison), lived in Paris and New York, and suffered alcoholism and related health complications including diabetes, it is little wonder that Brendan Beehan appealed so much to The Pogues. Some of his writing is exceptional, and he is largely known for his pithy epigrams, such as 'I only drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not' or 'There's no bad publicity except an obituary'. 
2. Albert Camus - A favourite of pretentious young men who liked to be thought of as enigmatic and tortured while having existentialist crises, but who actually turned out (as I learned to my cost) to be self-obsessed and intensely dull. Camus was born in 1913 in Algeria to French parents, and he was in Paris when the Germans invaded France during World War II in 1940. He joined the French Resistance and edited outlawed newspapers, opposing Stalin and the totalitarianism of the USSR - his politics were more libertarian socialism and anarcho-syndicalism. After the war he became a celebrity speaker, had numerous affairs, published novels, essays and plays, and won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1957, becoming the second youngest recipient of the award (after Rudyard Kipling). Killing an Arab by the Cure makes a lot more sense after reading L'Etranger (The Outsider), I'm a big fan of isolated community narratives, so I was intrigued by La Peste (The Plague), and the name for the Prestwich post-punk band fronted by Mark E. Smith was taken from his last novel, La Chute (The Fall). 
3. Jack Kerouac - Natalie Merchant (lead vocalist and primary lyricist of the band 10,000 Maniacs from 1981-1993) probably is influenced by the Beat Generation of American novelists, poets, and self-entitled young men. They included Jack Kerouac, William S. Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg and Charles Bukowski, and favoured stream of consciousness writing, jazz music, spontaneous travel, heavy drinking and widespread promiscuity... for men. Kerouac published wrote over a dozen novels and as many poems, with On the Road being the most famous and the only one I could bring myself to read. On the Road is a rambling, indulgent, misogynistic account of a road trip taken by Jack Kerouac with Neal Cassady across the United States and Mexico full of drugs, violence, soul-searching and machismo. It's greatly lacking in chapters, paragraphs or general structure and reading it feels like being bludgeoned by a Hemingway wannabe. Apparently Kerouac wrote it in 1951 with the assistance of his pregnant wife, Joan, 'supplying him with Benzedrine, cigarettes, bowls of pea soup, and mugs of coffee to keep him going', while he lived at home with his mother. In thanks, they got divorced and he refused to acknowledge paternity of the child until it was proved through a blood test when she was ten. He only saw her twice in his life, which ended aged 47 when he died from an internal haemorrhage caused by cirrhosis. The lyrics to Hey, Jack Kerouac by 10,000 Maniacs (released 1987) includes the lines, "You chose your words from mouths of babes got lost in the wood/ The hip flask slinging madman, steaming café flirts,/ In Chinatown howling at night." The music of the song is exquisite; the inspiration for the lyrics tiresome and disappointing.
4. Sylvia Plath - If all of the other authors mentioned here are read by every teenage boy who fancies himself as a misunderstood genius, then Sylvia Plath is the female equivalent for girls. Naturally, it doesn't end well for her and after being clinically depressed for most of her adult life, she died by suicide in 1963 aged 30. Incidentally, while many women read the male authors, I wonder how many men read the female ones. Apparently Nigel Blackwell (singer, guitarist and songwriter for Half Man Half Biscuit) does, or at least he refers to Sylvia Plath in the brilliant song, The Light at the End of the Tunnel (Is the Light of an Oncoming Train), which was released in 2002. Of course, I had already Sylvia Plath poetry collections, The Colossus and Other Poems, and Ariel, the semi-autobiographic novel The Bell Jar, and Janet Malcolm's biography about Plath's tumultuous relationship with Ted Hughes, The Silent Woman before this particular song came out (I was an undergraduate of English Studies in Manchester after all), but it's harder than you might think to find songs that refer to female authors. As Half Man Half Biscuit lament the loss of a relationship with a woman who has moved to Notting Hill and changed her sphere of social influence, they state, "For when you're in Matlock Bath/ You don't need Sylvia Plath/ Not while they've got Mrs Gibson's jam".
5. Oscar Wilde - It's almost impossible to imagine that The Smiths would exist if Oscar Wilde had not gone before. Screamingly pretentious with gladioli hanging out of his back pocket, Morrissey had that same pathological need to be noticed and considered witty and brilliant above all else. Despite the recent fall from grace - embracing a far-right political party and publicly spouting racist and sexist views - his lyrics from the cutting edge albums of the mid 1980s were instantly appealing to those who felt they were the social underdogs of Thatcher's Britain. The musical brilliance of Johnny Marr (guitarist), Andy Rourke (bassist) and Mike Joyce (drummer) certainly didn't hurt, and elevated the band to indie-god-like status, but it was the lyrics (written mainly by Morrisey and Marr) that were taken to heart in teenage bedrooms across the country.  "A dreaded sunny day/ So let's go where we're wanted/ And I meet you at the cemetery gates/ Keats and Yeats are on your side/ But you lose/ 'Cause weird lover Wilde is on mine." I became utterly obsessed with Oscar Wilde as a result of The Smiths and read every one of his plays, short fictions, poems, essays and novel (there was only one). I also practically haunted Cimetière du Père-Lachaise (where the body of Wilde is interred) when I lived in Paris (before the frankly repulsive habit caught on of people kissing the tomb and leaving lipstick marks), reading Richard Ellman's definitive biography (for which he posthumously won a Pullitzer Pride) while sighing dramatically and occasionally weeping. Pretentious, moi?

Friday Five: Songs about Stealing

This is a week late, so I apologise for that, but I wasn't aware that last Friday (8th August) was the 34th anniversary of the release of Bankrobber by The Clash. Having discovered that, I felt I had to dedicate a post to that marvelous song, and others of its ilk.

5 Best Songs about Theft:

1. Bankrobber - The Clash
   
   
2. Thick as Thieves - The Jam
   
   
3. Stand and Deliver - Adam and the Ants
   
   
   
   
4. Shoplifters of the World, Unite - The Smiths
   
   
   
   
5. Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction

Friday Five: Songs about 'That Woman'

So Margaret Thatcher has died and I have yet to read a report or obituary that doesn't describe her as 'divisive'. I think that's probably the nicest way of putting it, so let's leave it there.

Many people are celebrating and, although I partied hard when she left Downing Street, I can't find joy in the death of a woman who was a mother and a daughter and leaves behind a grieving family. Whatever else, she was a human being - although Him Outdoors and thousands of Liverpool fans disagree.

I am sorry that her legacy of privatisation, personal greed and destruction of communties continues, however, and it is for this reason that today's post has little positive to note, although a couple of the tunes are jolly.

5 Songs about 'That Woman':

1. Promised Land - James - Not only were they one of my favourite university bands, but this song got to me. 'Promise us a home; sell us what we own. The people of my country are divided by her greed. Money is directed to ambition, not to need.' Can't argue with that.
2. I Want to Kill Somebody - S*M*A*S*H - admittedly a little violent, the single was released for one day and reached number 26 on the UK chart, back in 1994 when charts still meant something. Not just anti-Thatcher, but anti-Tori in general. Feelings were running high.
3. Days Like These/ Between the Wars/ Ideology/ There is Power in a Union / Which Side are You on?/ It Says Here - Billy Bragg - Actually pretty much anything by Billy would probably do it. It wasn't just the North that was affcted by her and her party's pernicious politics.
4. Tramp the Dirt Down/ Shipbuilding - Elvis Costello. They don't like her much in Liverpool.
5. One in Ten - UB40/ Stand Down Margaret - The Beat. Or Birmingham.

Improbable Fiction, 'Unofficial Soundtrack'

Whenever I 'do' a play (act, direct, crew), I compile a soundtrack for it. This excludes musicals, obviously, which have kindly provided their own. 

Music is very closely linked to memory in my mind, so I find the 'soundtrack' a useful device and aide memoire. It picks up on certain lines or characters, and focuses my mind as I drive to rehearsals. It also manages to keep me awake as I drive home late and exhausted after rehearsals. I've not got to bed before midnight for over a week and we open on Friday so I need it.

For people unfamiliar with Alan Ayckbourn's Improbable Fiction, this playlist may seem a little odd. For those who do know the play, it may seem even more so. But these are the tracks that come to mind when I'm working on the play. "They're in order, but... well, you'll see..."

1. Paperback Writer - The Beatles
2. I Close My Eyes and Count to Ten - Dusty Springfield
3. City Hobgoblins - The Fall
4. Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
5. Writer's Block - Just Jack
6. The Social Network Song (Oh Oh - Uh - Oh Oh) - Valentina Monetta
7. I Write the Songs - Tom Jones
8. Everyday I Write the Book - Elvis Costello
9. Java Jive - The Ink Spots
10. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
11. Invisible - Alison Moyet
12. Thunder in the Mountains - Toyah
13. Something Canged - Pulp
14. Just an Illusion - Imagination
15. Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads
16. We Are Detective - The Thompson Twins
17. Hot Soup - Da Vinci's Notebook
18. I've Committed Murder - Macy Gray
19. Where's Your Head At? - Basement Jaxx
20. Wasted Life - Stiff Little Fingers
21. Spaceman - Babylon Zoo

Friday Five: Cover Versions

Very few cover versions can compare with the original and most remind me of bad karaoke. I knew people like to hear tunes that they know, rather than sometimes take a risk on an unfamiliar sound, but I've never really got the point of cover versions. 

Having said that, there are some that are fantastic and make me realise why bands bother - I realise in all cases, I actually really like the original too, but the 'new' treatment of it is different enough to make it work in another context.

5 Top Cover Versions:

1. I Just Don't Know What to Do with Myself - The White Stripes: I love the Dusty version (she is my favourite singer, after all), but this adaptation turns soulful angst into impotent rage - love it
2. My Way - Sid Vicious: apparently this is the most covered song ever. Frank Sinatra did such a great job that this is the only other version worth bothering with
3. You Sexy Thing - Cud: this was the version Him Outdoors wanted me to walk down the aisle to at our wedding. As it was in a church, I opted instead for You'll Never Walk Alone
4. Rent - Carter USM: The original Pet Shop Boys version was sublime; this is in another world (even Neil Tennant said he preferred this version) - seen live at Machester Academy (1990) one of the most thrillingly vibrant (and actually violent) gigs I've ever been to
5. I Think We're Alone Now - Snuff: bearing in mind the fact that in 1987 Tiffany got to number one in both the UK and the US with an appalling cover of this song, which first hit the charts twenty years earlier, performed by Tommy James and the Shondells, the fact that the Snuff version is usually overlooked is an absolute travesty

Quick Quintet: Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick

Today is my birthday - yes, I know, Happy Birthday to me. While I have nothing against the song Happy Birthday, I wish there were more songs that people could sing to expreess their many happy returns: Stevie Wonders' Happy Birthday is specifically about Martin Luther King; no one knows the lyrics to Altered Images' merry ditty; and the Sugarcubes' Birthday is just plain bonkers.



So invariably it will be the predictable tune. When Thermal Girl and I were in recorder club at the infants' school, we were tasked with performing Happy Birthday on our squeaky tubes for one of the younger members of the school. Unfortunately we hadn't learned that tune, but we did know London's Burning so we spontaneously burst into that instead... as the confused birthday girl simultaneously burst into tears and poured on her own water.

Which led me to think about the most predictable songs ever - you know; when you're at a particular event and you know for certain that a certain song will be played.

5 Predictable Tunes:

1. We Are the Champions / Simply the Best - played at the final of any sporting event
2. Slice of Heaven / Why Does Love Do This to Me? / Bliss - godawful lyrically-challenged Kiwi pop songs played at every New Zealand sporting event ever - it's enough to put you off going
3. Dancing Queen - there's not a hen night in the land where this isn't played
4. From This Moment - the most manipulatively mercenary wedding song ever written
5. I Don't Know How to Love Him - at any musical theatre audition. I recently read this in Painting Ruby Tuesday by Jane Yardley: The first morning we heard the same song from Jesus Christ Superstar so many times that when we broke for lunch the casting director shouted, ‘If anyone in this room does know how to love him, for Chrissake get out there and tell ’em before I top myself!’

Quick Quintet: You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

There is a lot of music that I love and a lot of bands that have shaped my life. We all have an inner soundtrack and The Jam, The Pogues, The Smiths, The Damned, The Cure, Pulp, Blur and Oasis all feature highly on mine. 

You know how it is - there are certain songs that no matter where you are or what you're doing, or how tired you are, you just have to get up and dance. They may not even be your favourites, but they have a certain rhythm or connotations that cannot be ignored. I blame other people for most of them...

5 Songs I Have to Dance to:

1. Debaser - The Pixies; Manchester Academy and anywhere in Manchester when I was a student with the Essex Girl - those were the days, my friend...
2. Baggy Trousers - Madness; doesn't everyone our age? It's guaranteed to turn any do into a flashback to the primary school disco
3. Groove is in the Heart - Deee-Lite; Thermal Girl is entirely to blame for this one
4. White Riot - The Clash; not played very often, but for years this was my Friday-night-going-out-song. It's fast, furious, frenetic and gets me every time
5. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses; partly the fault of Our Man in London, I remember a particular gig in 1987, and it fires up my inner rock-chick

My Song

After dinner we sat as you sang

With your guitar and capo

In your black bean bag and orange shirt and socks,

Strumming songs about family and friends.

Some sang along

With those they knew,

While others absorbed

The personal and political.

"I'm in love with the free world,

But the free world's in love with itself."

Sister and father

Reflect anguish in a chord change.

"Do you remember when you hated the world?"

Slow down.

Song is closer to smell than memory;

Nostalgia brings tears to my nose.

"You're so fucking special."

I wish I was special.

One day I want someone to write a song for me.

But I'm scared of what they might say.

Nine: Screen Test

To begin, let me say I quite liked Nine, although my friend the Bad Fairy didn’t. She is a fan of musicals, both theatrical and cinematic, and this has been from screen to stage and back again.

What I didn’t know at the time, but do now, was that the original 1982 Broadway production of Nine was nominated for 12 Tony Awards and won five, including Best Musical. The writer (Maury Yeston) sought the permission of his inspiration – Frederico Fellini – to interpret 8½ (the original Fellini film based on the number of films Guido had directed to date) for stage – and has now given director Rob Marshall his blessing to make this film.

Knowing all that, I began to wonder whether if you already know the story/have read the book, you are less likely to enjoy the film. Incidentally, I saw Disgrace this weekend and although it faithfully followed the book, I wondered why anyone had bothered to make the film, unless it is just another chance to prove that John Malkovich is indeed, odd. Him Outdoors says it simply brings the story/concept/dilemma to a new audience through a different media. I do so hate it when he’s rational. (And right.)

But back to Nine. It is a male fantasy about the terminally self-obsessed writer/director Guido Contini, surrounded by glamorous women. The women have names, but these don’t matter as they are merely constructs to massage Guido’s ego and only exist in their relation to him. He is trying to write and direct the film Italia, which proves to be too big a job. Perhaps it is impossible to condense the spirit of a country into one film. A nice touch sees the lead actress, played by Nicole Kidman, adorning a billboard to promote the forthcoming film which never eventuates – in a less-than-subtle reference to the teeth-achingly dreadful Australia. I’m not surprised he has writer’s block with a plastic Madonna for a mother and a simpering ninny for a muse.

There are many elements of the film version of Chicago (which Rob Marshall also directed) such as mixing up black and white with colour shots, and interspersing a full set with a theatrical construct. Him Outdoors liked the cars and the intimation of La Dolce Vita.

I was disappointed by the lack of Italian scenery (although a few backdrops of the Coliseum and the Amalfi Coast were thrown in) and felt the script was weak considering it was penned by Michael Tolkin (who wrote the screenplay for The Player – one of my favourite films) and the late, great Anthony Minghella.

A lot of the numbers sounded as though they could have come from any other musical and only a couple stood out. This might be the fault of the ‘singers’ rather than the songs. Bad Fairy questions why they don’t get someone who can actually sing and use their voice instead; it’s not as though it’s ‘live’ so it is actually dubbed anyway. They did it to a cute kid in Berlin, while the ugly kid sang off-stage; that’s show business, folks! She reckons it lets down the integrity of the film when all the other production values are so slick. Fair point, albeit quite controversial.

And so to the cast...

The director: Daniel Day-Lewis – approaching fifty with a mid-life crisis looming (although I doubt he’ll live to 100 with his lifestyle), he assumes a role in which I would have expected to see Rupert Everett as a wonderfully burnt-out genius; he could have come straight from an Oscar Wilde play. His singing is Rex Harrison-esque and the interview scene where he fronts up to reporters with nothing yet ‘in the can’ is transplanted straight from Chicago.

The wife: Marion Cotillard – one of two people in the film who can sing. The song where she makes a dignified exit from the restaurant, insulted that the mistress has turned up (My Husband Makes Movies) is an understated delight. The one where she parodies a striptease, giving all the material trappings to the man who has already taken her soul (Take It All) was re-written for the film (originally it was a trio for her, the muse and the mistress) to showcase her wide acting and vocal range.

The mistress: Penelope Cruz – sexy but vulnerable; a good role for her, although the supposedly erotic scene (A Call From the Vatican) is like something out of one of the less ‘tasteful’ porno mags. She is used and discarded, although our sympathy is tempered when we see her husband whom she is betraying. Her brief is to be childlike and kittenish (all pouts and fluttering eyelashes) and attempt an overdose in melodramatic fashion.

The mother: Sophia Loren – she used to be beautiful when she could move her face. Now she looks like a blow-up doll and it’s hard to act when you can’t form an expression. Their scene of Italian son’s obsession with his mama and the lullaby Guarda La Luna is mawkish in the extreme. Apparently it is her spirit to whom he is appealing as she is actually dead, which would explain the death mask and the wooden acting.

The muse: Nicole Kidman – ditto. When she removes the wig and says, ‘This is me’ I wanted her to put it back on immediately. She looks like something from Mars Attacks! and with similarly out-of-this-world acting, as in completely alien. Rumour has it that Catherine Zeta-Jones was originally cast in the role but pulled out when Rob Marshall refused to expand the role for the film. She made a wise decision, although he did not. If this character were more motivational (not to mention the fact that she could actually sing and dance) it would have been easier to understand her allure over Guido and his need for her. As it is the song, Unusual Way, is weak and insipid; more tepid than Trevi.

The mentor: Judi Dench – a perennial favourite. I saw her in Merry Wives; the Musical and she has a beautiful catch in her throat which, although she is far from a ‘great singer’ makes everything she sings sound emotional. Her song, Folies Bergères (Razzle Dazzle by any other name) wasn’t great, although it was an excuse to swan around with a feather boa and who wouldn’t want that? Her relationship to Guido is similar to M’s affectionate tolerance for Bond’s roguish ways, but the costumes are better. She has a wonderful speech about the role of a director and how little they actually do in pulling together a film.

The prostitute: Fergie – the other one who can sing. Her song, Be Italian, is the one song I remember and can still hum weeks after seeing the film. I loved the staging of it, with handfuls of sand being raked through fingers and flung across the set to create powerful visual effects. I spent the rest of the film wondering how I could incorporate that into a play and who would do all the sweeping up afterwards.

The fashion journalist: Kate Hudson – still the bubbly beautiful girl reprising her role in Almost Famous. Her song (Cinema Italiano) was written specifically for the movie (and it is unashamedly a movie, rather than a film) and sounds exactly like Buenos Aires from Evita – this could have been another opportunity to showcase the glamour of Italy and yet it is set on a catwalk and in a bar.

Annoying Songs

I feel it's time for another list, so here is my list of the top 20 most annoying songs ever:

1. Macarena – Los Del Rio; Superman – Black Lace; The Birdy Song – The Tweets; YMCA – Village People; The Time Warp
Any song with built-in actions; if I wanted to do exactly the same movements as a room-full of other co-ordinately-challenged people to some execrable music, I’d go to the gym.

2. From this moment – Shania Twain
Shameless manipulation – as if she didn’t just sit down and go, ‘I’m going to write a revoltingly mushy song that everyone will want to play at their wedding and I can garner immense royalties from it, never mind that the song itself is a pile of pap.’

3. Star Trekkin' – The Firm
I hate most ‘novelty’ songs but this is one of the worst. My best mate once left a pint of bitter behind when this came on the jukebox and he stormed out of the pub. Being the good friend I am I quickly downed my pint (and his) and followed him out.



4. I Wish I Could Fly – Keith Harris and Orville
This is another of the worst combining ‘novelty’ with childish lyrics and climb every mountain sentiment. Pass the bucket.

5. The Gambler­ – Kenny Rogers
It’s country, which is bad enough in itself, but it also encourages ukuleles/banjos, muppets, spontaneous sing-a-longs among drunken hen parties in New Zealand, and hoe-downs; are those the same thing?



6. Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
This song came out in 1969; surely to God after 40 years people might have moved on, but no. In New Zealand hordes of folk young enough to know better will run to the dance floor screaming, ‘I love this song!’ whenever it’s played – and that’s far too often. Their own music must be horrendous if they prefer this saccharine nonsense.

7. Word Up – Cameo
In fact any song (and there are many) that include the lyric, ‘wave/put your hands in the air like you just don’t care’. I blame this for being the first.

8. Bliss – Th’ Dudes
I’d never heard this song before I came to New Zealand, where it is played at every rugby event you will ever go to and it’s not as if they need any more encouragement. New Zealand has much of great substance and beauty to offer, and then there’s this.



9. Ironic – Alanis Morissette
Something is ironic if it the situation renders bad something that at any other time would have been good. Hence the death row pardon two minutes two late is ironic. The black fly in your chardonnay isn’t. If you’re going to sing a song about an adjective, you should at least know what it means.

10. Save the Best for Last – Vanessa Williams
For similar reasons to the above; the snow may well come down in June, especially if you live in the Southern hemisphere. No matter how much it rhymes, the sun will never go round the moon. Don’t be so stupid.

11. Emotions – Mariah Carey
Or in fact any song by the screaming human vibrator – just pick a note and stick with it. Your warbling and trilling may show off your voice to your yodelling teacher, but it’s ruining the song. I blame you personally for Christina Aguilera.

12. Everything I do, I do it for you – Bryan Adams Perhaps it’s not his fault, but this song was number one in England forever. Okay, so it was ‘only’ 16 consecutive weeks but it felt like forever, and it’s still the longest in British chart history. It was the theme tune to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves so reminds me of Kevin Costner, and that’s never a good thing. It was summer 1991; I split up with my boyfriend and I just wanted to go back to Manchester.

13. Snoopy’s Christmas – The Royal Guardsmen Why is this song so popular in New Zealand? Despite attempts to secularise/ commercialise it, Christmas is by definition a religious holiday – the clue’s in the name. If you don’t like it; you don’t have to celebrate it. Celebrate Thanksgiving instead.

14. Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison; More Than Words – Extreme; Wind of Change – Scorpions; Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith
Any song in which a rock band does their slow and sultry power ballad to try and prove they can sing – they generally can’t. I love Guns n' Roses as much as the next bogan rock chick, but November Rain is a total wash-out.



15. Heal the World – Michael Jackson I know he’s dead now so we’re all meant worship at his cult of self-delusion but this has got to be the pinnacle of nausea from the prince of hypocrisy. All issue songs are ridiculous – let’s all buy a record/ wear a ribbon or a PVC bracelet to show that we really, really care about something we don’t give a toss about otherwise.

16. We Built This City – Starship; Can’t Fight This Feeling – REO Speedwagon; When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Going) – Billy Ocean
I lived in America in the mid 80s – when we were on the coach to basketball/football matches, the rest of the team played the above mindless tosh. I sat stoically with my walkman on listening to The Cure, The Clash and Billy Bragg. When the batteries ran out I suffered. Boy, how I suffered.

17. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma – St Winifred’s School Choir
Three words – singing children; no! This was number one for two weeks over Christmas in 1980. This is even more remarkable because it was at the same as John Lennon was shot, and it kept his (Just Like) Starting Over off the top spot. Apparently the St Winifred’s School Choir reformed last year to do a ‘charity version’ – I’d pay them to shut up.



18. Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston
One of the worst examples of ‘climb every mountain’ songs you’ll ever hear – yeah, yeah, you’re wonderful and you learned it all from kids. This song is all the more painful because she has such a great voice and could have used it for good rather than drivel.

19. Can’t Get You Out of My Head – Kylie Minogue
I really like Kylie, bless her, but this song is just too infuriatingly catchy for its own good. I find myself singing it out loud when I’m cycling or running, which earns me some odd looks because I don’t’ own an i-pod. I also inadvertently match my stroke to its rhythm when swimming. 50 lengths of that can drive you crazy.

20. I Dreamed a Dream; Don’t Cry for Me Argentina; I Don’t Know How to Love Him; Love Changes Everything; Memory
All of these are actually great songs in their place, which is in a musical. The only song that can possibly exist outside a musical is One Night in Bangkok. They should not be played in isolation or released as singles onto the charts.

Songs of the 2000s

Recently I was hosting a music quiz in which I played the first 10-20 seconds of a song and people had to guess the title and artist. All of the music came from my own record/cd collection. There was no problem for the 70s, 80s and 90s but then the 2000s came along and my music collection rapidly dwindled.

Surely there are just as many good tunes in the past ten years? Is the dearth of them on my shelves due to my age (did I simply just stop buying music in my late 20s?) or the lack of exposure to decent music in New Zealand. If you don’t like country, hip-hop, dub or ‘singer-songwriter’ music you’re pretty much stuffed living here. I don’t.

So, after much thought (this is what we do on Christmas Eve round our way) Him Outdoors and I came up with our favourite ditties of the decade (in date order). Feel free to differ:

1. Last Nite – The Strokes (2001)
   My new favourite going-out song; it’s a guitar thing.


2. The Scientist – Coldplay (2002)
   Heartbreaking vocals and transcendent guitars, it can make you cry every time – if you like that sort of thing.



3. Get Loose – the D4 (2002)
   Solid rocking record – saw them live at Rippon Festival and they were far and away the best thing there (apart from the wine)


4. Seven Nation Army – The White Stripes (2003)
   A fantastic guitar riff that became a football terrace chant – the match is simply sublime.


5. Where is the Love? – The Black Eyed Peas featuring Justin Timberlake (2003)
   Protest music doesn’t always have to be angry, but it does have to have a point. This is the velvet glove approach.



6. I Predict a Riot – Kaiser Chiefs (2004)
   Classic indie anthem – I would have loved this when I was a student. I love it now.


7. American Idiot – Green Day (2004)
   You’ve got to love the under-three minute American punk single of which this is a pretty good example; ‘I’m not part of a redneck agenda’ – I bet they don’t play many gigs down south...


8. Love Generation – Bob Sinclair (2005)
   At last reggae lovers can play something other than Bob Marley (thank the lord) – this was the song of the summer and goes perfectly with a game of cricket and a pint of cider.


9. In the Morning – Razorlight (2006)
   Taming their ‘raw edgy’ sound with a more mainstream feel got them accused of being derivative (NME journalists are alive and well I see) but comparisons with The Strokes and The Who are nothing to be sniffed at.


10. I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor – The Arctic Monkeys (2006)
    My sister sent me this album with the words, ‘everyone’s listening to this’ and rightly so.


11. Smile – Lily Allen (2006)
    Whatever you think of her, the girl makes a good record. She once described her music as that of ‘a sort of over-excitable teenager who desperately wanted attention.’ Maybe so, but most teenagers aren’t that talented – or that interesting.


12. Rehab – Amy Winehouse (2007)
    Okay, so she’s a mess, but if you leave the tabloid gossip aside and just listen to the songs, you’ll find a great voice and a depth of emotion. This may not be her best, but it’s her signature tune.



13. Grace Kelly – Mika (2007)
    A prime slice of bubblegum pop with layers of musical theatre; this is perfectly written and insanely catchy – I couldn’t get it out of my head when cycling. Thank God he didn’t listen to the record execs who advised him to ‘be a bit more like Craig David’ – Yawn.


14. Paper Planes – M.I.A. (2007)
    I loved this rebel song when I first heard it – good sample of The Clash in there – and then I saw the film Slumdog Millionaire and I loved it even more.


15. No You Girls – Franz Ferdinand (2009)
    I bet this sounds good on the dance floor – another swirling electropop, guitar bass and drum mix to wave your arms around to.


16. Invaders Must Die – The Prodigy (2009)
    The band who claim their music is ‘full of electric dance/punk, noise and power’ have made their best album (of which this is the eponymous single) for a good ten years. ‘We are The Prodigy’ they intone – welcome back.