Annoying Songs

I feel it's time for another list, so here is my list of the top 20 most annoying songs ever:

1. Macarena – Los Del Rio; Superman – Black Lace; The Birdy Song – The Tweets; YMCA – Village People; The Time Warp
Any song with built-in actions; if I wanted to do exactly the same movements as a room-full of other co-ordinately-challenged people to some execrable music, I’d go to the gym.

2. From this moment – Shania Twain
Shameless manipulation – as if she didn’t just sit down and go, ‘I’m going to write a revoltingly mushy song that everyone will want to play at their wedding and I can garner immense royalties from it, never mind that the song itself is a pile of pap.’

3. Star Trekkin' – The Firm
I hate most ‘novelty’ songs but this is one of the worst. My best mate once left a pint of bitter behind when this came on the jukebox and he stormed out of the pub. Being the good friend I am I quickly downed my pint (and his) and followed him out.



4. I Wish I Could Fly – Keith Harris and Orville
This is another of the worst combining ‘novelty’ with childish lyrics and climb every mountain sentiment. Pass the bucket.

5. The Gambler­ – Kenny Rogers
It’s country, which is bad enough in itself, but it also encourages ukuleles/banjos, muppets, spontaneous sing-a-longs among drunken hen parties in New Zealand, and hoe-downs; are those the same thing?



6. Sweet Caroline – Neil Diamond
This song came out in 1969; surely to God after 40 years people might have moved on, but no. In New Zealand hordes of folk young enough to know better will run to the dance floor screaming, ‘I love this song!’ whenever it’s played – and that’s far too often. Their own music must be horrendous if they prefer this saccharine nonsense.

7. Word Up – Cameo
In fact any song (and there are many) that include the lyric, ‘wave/put your hands in the air like you just don’t care’. I blame this for being the first.

8. Bliss – Th’ Dudes
I’d never heard this song before I came to New Zealand, where it is played at every rugby event you will ever go to and it’s not as if they need any more encouragement. New Zealand has much of great substance and beauty to offer, and then there’s this.



9. Ironic – Alanis Morissette
Something is ironic if it the situation renders bad something that at any other time would have been good. Hence the death row pardon two minutes two late is ironic. The black fly in your chardonnay isn’t. If you’re going to sing a song about an adjective, you should at least know what it means.

10. Save the Best for Last – Vanessa Williams
For similar reasons to the above; the snow may well come down in June, especially if you live in the Southern hemisphere. No matter how much it rhymes, the sun will never go round the moon. Don’t be so stupid.

11. Emotions – Mariah Carey
Or in fact any song by the screaming human vibrator – just pick a note and stick with it. Your warbling and trilling may show off your voice to your yodelling teacher, but it’s ruining the song. I blame you personally for Christina Aguilera.

12. Everything I do, I do it for you – Bryan Adams Perhaps it’s not his fault, but this song was number one in England forever. Okay, so it was ‘only’ 16 consecutive weeks but it felt like forever, and it’s still the longest in British chart history. It was the theme tune to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves so reminds me of Kevin Costner, and that’s never a good thing. It was summer 1991; I split up with my boyfriend and I just wanted to go back to Manchester.

13. Snoopy’s Christmas – The Royal Guardsmen Why is this song so popular in New Zealand? Despite attempts to secularise/ commercialise it, Christmas is by definition a religious holiday – the clue’s in the name. If you don’t like it; you don’t have to celebrate it. Celebrate Thanksgiving instead.

14. Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison; More Than Words – Extreme; Wind of Change – Scorpions; Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith
Any song in which a rock band does their slow and sultry power ballad to try and prove they can sing – they generally can’t. I love Guns n' Roses as much as the next bogan rock chick, but November Rain is a total wash-out.



15. Heal the World – Michael Jackson I know he’s dead now so we’re all meant worship at his cult of self-delusion but this has got to be the pinnacle of nausea from the prince of hypocrisy. All issue songs are ridiculous – let’s all buy a record/ wear a ribbon or a PVC bracelet to show that we really, really care about something we don’t give a toss about otherwise.

16. We Built This City – Starship; Can’t Fight This Feeling – REO Speedwagon; When the Going Gets Tough (the Tough Get Going) – Billy Ocean
I lived in America in the mid 80s – when we were on the coach to basketball/football matches, the rest of the team played the above mindless tosh. I sat stoically with my walkman on listening to The Cure, The Clash and Billy Bragg. When the batteries ran out I suffered. Boy, how I suffered.

17. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma – St Winifred’s School Choir
Three words – singing children; no! This was number one for two weeks over Christmas in 1980. This is even more remarkable because it was at the same as John Lennon was shot, and it kept his (Just Like) Starting Over off the top spot. Apparently the St Winifred’s School Choir reformed last year to do a ‘charity version’ – I’d pay them to shut up.



18. Greatest Love of All – Whitney Houston
One of the worst examples of ‘climb every mountain’ songs you’ll ever hear – yeah, yeah, you’re wonderful and you learned it all from kids. This song is all the more painful because she has such a great voice and could have used it for good rather than drivel.

19. Can’t Get You Out of My Head – Kylie Minogue
I really like Kylie, bless her, but this song is just too infuriatingly catchy for its own good. I find myself singing it out loud when I’m cycling or running, which earns me some odd looks because I don’t’ own an i-pod. I also inadvertently match my stroke to its rhythm when swimming. 50 lengths of that can drive you crazy.

20. I Dreamed a Dream; Don’t Cry for Me Argentina; I Don’t Know How to Love Him; Love Changes Everything; Memory
All of these are actually great songs in their place, which is in a musical. The only song that can possibly exist outside a musical is One Night in Bangkok. They should not be played in isolation or released as singles onto the charts.