Fine Print: Terms & Conditions

Terms and Conditions by Robert Glancy

Bloomsbury

Pp. 258

Waking up after a car accident with amnesia, Frank starts to piece together his memories only to recall that he doesn’t like his job, his wife (Alice), his brother (Oscar) or even himself very much. As a business lawyer who specialises in terms and conditions, he reminds us with wry humour that it’s always important to check the fine print in this enjoyable novel celebrating decency and standing up to the man.

The framework (chapters and their content) is written in the style of a legal contract, with plenty of footnotes to convey the difference between what the narrator voices and his private thoughts. For example, the final chapter has a subclause, “The terms and conditions of endings: More often than not, they’re badly disguised beginnings.” The novel is fast-paced, funny and engaging; the exact opposite of contractual terms and conditions.

Frank recalls the beginning of his relationship with Alice. He was a straight-A student at university who loved taking tests because they “made me feel as if I was accomplishing things”, whereas she was a free spirit; daring, compulsive and everything he thought he wasn’t.  Frank takes tests that Alice sets for him – sample tests which she puts into a book making him seem like a loser. The book is called Executive X and is a psychometric book about how to hire the right person for the job, by proving who the wrong person for the job is: Frank.  “It was in that period of the late nineties, before the crash, when there was money everywhere. A time when no one was sure why it was working or who was responsible – until, that is, management consultants were credited with the world’s runaway success.”

When Frank notices how far he and Lisa have drifted apart and how much she is humiliating him, he believes he may be partially to blame. Guilt has power and is a force that “will hold together the most opposing forces of the universe”, such as him and his wife. When he considers his options, one of them is revenge killing, “But I’m British. So shooting people wasn’t an option. I wouldn’t know where to get a gun if my life depended on it. As for allowing my rage to trigger a crime passionnel, well, let’s be honest, that’s far too hot and European for my cold Anglo blood.”

Frank is depressed and feels lonely, but he does have some people on his side – a wonderful older woman called Molly, his younger brother, Malcolm, who sends cryptic messages from wherever he happens to be, and an old colleague and friend of his father’s, Doug. Fittingly, Frank is saved by the prenuptial agreement his father insisted that he and Alice sign. He isn’t necessarily happy at the end of the novel, but he is vindicated as he is rescued by the terms and conditions that he creates and, over time, ingeniously adds to contracts, knowing that no one reads them but that they are legally binding.

This is a fun and fast-paced novel which doesn’t take itself too seriously, and has a satisfying ending for the likeable characters, and a suitable come-uppance for the others.