...and Ice.

Curling is the only event that is on every day of the games, and what a delight it is to watch. Who knew you could get so excited by people brushing the ice and sliding stones along a chute? For a few weeks every four years, I am glued to the ice like a kid licking a frozen railing. 

The mixed doubles (featuring Mouat and Dodds for GBR) are gripping stuff. The Brits get through to the semi finals where they lose to Sweden, and then they lose the bronze medal match to Italy and wind up fourth, which is exactly where they came last time round. Jen Dodds is also in the Women's Team (they come sixth overall) and Bruce Mouat is a part of the silver-winning Men's Team (who lose their final match to Canada). 

Incidentally, the mixed doubles teams of Canada, Norway and Switzerland are all represented by married copules. There is controversy when the Swedes accuse the Canadians of cheating (by double touching the stone after it has been released) in the Men's Team event, and the Canadian in question, Marc Kennedy, responds 'with an expletive-laden outburst'. The Women's team are accused of the same thing (this time by the umpire) and play is stopped immediately as the offending stone is removed. 

The Norwegians 'delight supporters' by bringing back their famous red white and blue checkered 'party pants' for one match against Sweden to honour their late skip Thomas Ulsrud. As the shouts echo round the rink, "Curl!", "Don't Curl", and everybody's favourite, "Hard!"

There are so many disciplines and medal available in the Team Iceskating, I don't know how it all works, but I like the Lilah Frear and Lewis Gibson (Team GB, obviously) Spice Girls number. For various reasons I end up wtching the Ice Dancing on the TV at work with the sound off and the subtitles on. It makes for an interesting juxtaposition between the commentators, the lyrics to the song selection, and the transcription services. Guess the tune is a fun game to play. "Everybody rock your body - midline step - am I sexual? - great extension - that's the way I like it - so, so good today."

There is some top scandal in the Figure Skating Ice Dance (won by France); the skating rink is a hot bed of controversy! Despite being favourites, the American married couple, Madison Chock and Evan Bates come second in the free dance with a flawless routine. There are nine judges for the event who allocate points in two categories: technical elements and program components. They don't have to explain or justify these marks. Unsurprisingly, then, the French judge, Jezabel Dabouis, gives their highest score to France (and lowest to USA) and the U.S. judge, Janis Engel, awards the American top marks (with France third-lowest). 

Of course it's all as political as the Eurovision Song Contest (I'm looking forward to that in a few months!) and the Americans claim later in a press conference that their silver was "bittersweet", as they had twice won gold in the team event and this is their fourth and (probably) last Olympics. They go on, "We put out our very best skates every time we took the Olympic Ice. All four performances we had here at the Olympics, we're very proud of. They were flawless for us. We couldn't have skated any better, and we're super proud of how we took the ice, how we handled ourselves every time. The rest is out of our hands." God bless their cute little humble hearts.

The French team are Laurence Fournier Beaudry (born in Montreal) and Guillaume Cizeron. Cizeron also won the ice dancing competiton at the 2022 Winter Olympics with former skating partner, Gabriella Papadakis, and he now becomes the first ice dancer to claim gold in the discipline twice at the Winter Games with two different partners. Papadakis has since accused Cizeron of being "unbalanced", "controlling" and "demanding". He has accused her of a smear campaign and has got his lawyers on the case. 

Meanwhile, Beaudry's boyfriend and former ice dancer, Nikolaj Sørensen was banned by the Canadian skating body for at least six years in 2024 for 'sexual maltreatment' related to allegations that he sexually assaulted an American coach and former skater in 2012. He denied the accusations and the suspension was overturned in 2025 on a technicality. Beaudry has consistently supported Sørensen, leading to much opprobrium from the skating community (particularly the female element). She claims that when he was suspended, her career was also over because, "it was not only about skating, it was about my integrity, it was about his integrity." 

If this sounds like TV drama fodder, rest assured there already is a Netflix documentary series, Glitter & Gold about the stooshie, and I shouldn't be surprised if there were to be a film to rival the Harding/ Kerrigan fandango. I'd watch that.

The luge is conducted at a venue imaginatively named the Cortina Sliding Centre. The sport is utterly insane; I can barely watch those forces on the neck, but of course I do. The team relay is fun, involving four events: women's singles, men's singles, women's doubles and men's doubles. The women's luger goes first, with the athlete hitting a hanging touchpad at the bottom of the track. Once the touchpad is hit, the gate for the next sledge (men's single) opens. We are told this is crucial, obviously one can't miss the pad, one has to be central and not sit up too early. After all four crews have crossed the line, the team with the fastest cumulative time wins, or, as the commentator expresses it, "Be faster - it's a simple solution." 

The Romanian men's double team slam into the sides; Poland's men's single goes sideways up to the top; Latvia are 0.3 seconds down on the USA until the last run (women's doubles), when they claw back time to finish 0.03 seconds ahead of them; Austria's men's single slides down the track at 125kph! Times are tight, but the podium is filled with Germany (gold), Austria (silver) and Italy (bronze). It doesn't actually look all that glamorous, as the role of the person at the bottom of the double team must be about as sought after as the arse end of the patomime horse.

Britain hasn't got any competitors in the luge, but we make up for it in the skeleton, which, if possible, is even more bonkers as the competitors do a similar sort of thing, but head-first. There are three Brits in the women's event, two in the men's and two in the mixed team. The athletes slide their sleds along the top of the runway then leap aboard and lie on their stomach, guiding the tea-tray with their shoulders, knees and toes (but hopefully not head) only occasionally looking up to see where they are going, otherwise they navigate by feel.

There's a lot of talk about the helmets, and helmet art is definitely a thing in these Olympics - skeleton is a sport mainly made for TV; you can't see a lot at as the athletes whizz by face-down at literally break-neck speeds. Naturally, there is also controversy. Team GB's new, highly aerodynamic and potentially safer helmets are banned for having a 'signifcantly protruding' rear (I know that feeling), and Ukranian pilot, Vladsylav Heraskevych is disqualified for wearing a 'helmet of memory' honouring war victims, which violates the IOC  rules on political statments.

Matt Weston wins the Men's event for GBR, becoming the first Brtish man to be an Olympic Champion in the sport, with Germans Axel Jungk and Christopher Grotheer taking second and third for Germany. (Marcus Wyatt, our other Brit, comes ninth). Weston's victory is the first by a British man in an individual event since Robin Cousins won gold in 1980, and the first gold by a British man in any event since Christopher Dean's victory in the ice dance in 1984. In the Women's event, the Austrian Janine Flock is first with silver and bronze going to Germany again with Susan Kreher and Jacqueline Pfeifer repsectively. Germany also come fourth and all the Brits finish inside the top ten: fifth (Tabitha Stoecker), seventh (Freya Tarbit) and ninth (Amelia Coltman). 

The Mixed Team event is therefore hotly contested (if you can be hot on ice), and consists of a combined time for the male and female athlete with the woman going first. The reaction start is based on a random delay (0.3 to 1 second) after five flashing red lights, with plenty of scope for time penalties should an athlete start before their due (as happened to Flock from the Austrian team). When the woman finishes a green light signals for the man to begin his run, and the teams start in reverse ranking order. It's (white) knuckle biting viewing, and the results are GB fourth (Tarbit/ Wyatt), Germany third (Pfeifer/ Grotheer) and second (Kreher/ Junck) and GB take gold with Stoecker and Weston. Weston thus becomes the first Briton to win two gold medals at a single Games and the second Briton to have won two career gold medals at Winter Olympics, after Lizzy Yarnold who won gold in 2014 and 2018, also in skeleton. What is it with the Brits and their reckless attidue to sliding down ice chutes?

In the Speed Skating the athletes switch from the inner to outer lane, and can get drafting on the back strait. The commentators tell us that the first four laps are to 'set yourself', although it looks hectic from the start and the drone shots (available for the first time) bring us frighteningly close to the action. The Women's 3,000m results in the first women's speedskating medals for Italy (Gold) and Norway (silver). Francesca Lollobrigida wins gold again in the 5,000m. With her green fingernails, home support and small child, she is extremely popular. Incidentally, yes Gina Lollobrigida is her great aunt. The commentators seem surprised that she can even dress herself at the grand old age of 35. She sets a new world record, 0.1 seconds ahead of the second place getter, Merel Conijin from the Netherlands. Conijin seems very happy with her silver medal, less so the Belgian Sandrine Tas in fourth.

Short Track Speed Skating Mixed Team Relay is utterly bonkers and total chaos, like a Madison on ice with amazing changeovers involving shoving the bottom of your relay partner as they take off. The commentators keep saying sentences starting with, "don't count out..." or "Don't underestimate..." Believe me, I'm not! It finishes with a win for Italy, followed by Canada and Belgium - the Belgian speed skating outfits are much better than their parade atire. 

The judge bloke walks into the middle of the rink to announce results and give his verdict on challenges and disqualifications -there are a lot of these as the crashes pile up and decisions must be made as to who is at fault. He looks like a Hungarian Rory Kinnear with a matter-of-fact delivery and a wry smile, and he seems to be enjoying his part in proceedings.

In the mens' short-track speed skating 500m there are wipeouts aplenty in every heat. It's like the Wacky Skaters - they're all going to get splattered! - an analogy that is only strengthened by the fact one of the skaters is called Pigeon and they are all trying to catch him in Heat 4. Everyone falls behind the  Canadian, William Dandjinou, in Heat 1, but there are advancements to the final (if the athlete is brought down by another competitor and it is deemed that they might have progressed otherwise). In Heat 2, the Italian Pietro Sighel crosses the line backwards after a tangle of skates, but he still secures an automatic qualifying spot. 

The British athlete, Niall Treacy, wipes out another contestant in Heat 8 before they even reach the first bend, so the race is restarted. He ends up in another slip and slide, so finishes last in the heat and doesn't go any further in the event anyway. By the time we get to the final, we are left with Canadians (two) and Dutchmen (three). There are two van 'T Wouts, which makes the child in me snigger. Steven Dubois (apparently called the hairy Canadian due to his spectacular beard and mo combo) is clearly leading from the front, skating at 50kph. When Dandjinou attempts to pass the Dutchie on the left hand side it is considered an illegal move and he is given a penalty. The race finishes with Dubois taking gold for Canada and the van 'T Wout brothers (snort) in silver and bronze position.

Winter Olmpics

I love the Summer Olympics: the teams; the flags; the national anthems; the countries: the medal ceremonies; the athletics; the hype; the drugs… It’s really quite a spectacle. When we were kids we had our own version around the local green. We played sprinting, middle distance running (which was like sprinting but slower), long distance running (which was walking and lying about the number of laps you’d done), long jump, high jump, skipping and hopping. We also had goal shooting, because the only boy who ever actually wanted to be a goal-keeper lived on our street.

And then there are the Winter Olympics, full of games that people from cold places play. These are just mad! They play ‘team sports’ like ice hockey, which is legalised violence; rugby league with sticks. My aunt and uncle who lived in Canada moved their entire home several thousands of miles because their son showed more than a passing interest in the sport.

There’s also curling, where a group of people wearing tea cosies on their heads slide stones down the ice while some demented rink-proud lunatic sweeps it vigorously with a broom. Odd, to say the least. When they’re not tidying it up, they’re skating round it with thighs the size of their torsos squeezed into lycra suits. One memorable year, everyone leaned a little too far into the corner and they all fell over. Leapfrogging them all – no mean feat in ice skates – was some rank outsider who’d previously been lapped. Steve Bradbury skated to victory in a performance akin to Dobbin the Pantomime Horse winning the Melbourne Cup. (He's from Australia - they don't call it the Lucky Country for nothing.)

Staying on the ice, these Olympic heroes and heroines have devised all sorts of peculiar things to do on it. They slide down chutes of it at break-neck speed either feet or head first individually on tea trays or in teams in bath tubs. These events are called luge and bobsleigh and, ominously enough, skeleton.

One the most intriguing events, is the ice dancing. Somewhat like skating with the stars, except that these people are actually good. Most people claim it is the winter equivalent of synchronised swimming and that no one watches it. Is that so? In Britain, Ravel’s Bolero is known as ‘The Torville and Dean Music’, and that was even after Bo Derek took her clothes off to it, which I would imagine takes some topping!

The South Park characters have a prior skating celebrity as a mentor, and two female American competitors had a rather ugly and public spat involving a sledgehammer and a film contract, although admittedly it went straight to video release. Competitors spin and glide their way around the ice in ridiculous flimsy sequinned costumes and the audience waits with baited breath until some poor little Russian falls on her bum and gets a crap score from the judges. She gets the public vote though because she still manages to smile bravely through her atrocious make-up.

When they’re not doing foolish things on ice, they’re doing them on snow. Ski-jumping for example. Why would you slide down an enormous ramp of snow with no poles and fly through the air hoping to land in a pile of cold wet stuff? And where are the practice jumps? The training ramps? Britain had a bloke who sort of fell rather than jumped off the end. He was called, obviously ironically, Eddie the Eagle. Eddie the Emu more like. He became a national idol.

My favourite event is the biathlon in which participants X-Country ski until their limbs turn to jelly and then they shoot things. Perhaps not the most obvious combination unless you are a member of the Norwegian army, or James Bond. These competitors are so exhausted that they fall over the finish line in a heap of heaving sweating lycra. An enticing visual image perhaps, but would you trust them with a gun?

I would like to suggest that we no longer neglect the fine display of the winter Olympics and that we host our own, back yard version. I accept that ice-rinks that form are unlikely to be more than muddy puddles, and skiing down the slide in the children’s playground may be frowned upon. So I recommend we stick to more mundane and familiar pursuits.

Wrapping up warm would be first on my list. The winner would be the person who managed to wear the most layers of clothing and still move. This would cause a spin-off in merchandising and thermal underwear would become quite fashionable. Although the Michelin Man would become a role model (or is that a roll model?), the competitor, if so desirous, could still sport sequinned attire or something diaphanous in chiffon.

Walking down icy steps is another potential event. There are all manner of possible categories; speed, style, vocal expression… A panel of judges could grant points for interpretation which are subjective enough for Canada to get away with never awarding the USA top marks. There could be a tandem event, a pursuit, or even a relay of contestants grasping at handrails and slithering their way down to a small bundle at the bottom of a flight of steps.

Ingenious ways of starting a car, de-icing the windscreen with a credit card, putting on snow chains and lighting a fire would all be possibilities. Drinking mulled wine would be a clear favourite, with hot chocolate supping for those in training. Of course, I welcome your suggestions for this auspicious event and invite you to send them all to:

The Back Yard Winter Olympics
Cold Comfort Farm
Waiwerahat
New Zealand