Friday Five: World Cup Wonderings Week Two

Carrying on where we left off last week - I've not actually left off at all to be honest - here are some more musings from the highest echelons of the beautiful game.

1. The individuals - Yes, it's a team game. But the golden boot competition is for single strikers, and it's alive and kicking. Of course we have to mention Lionel Messi. At 39 years old he is leading the race, scoring a hat-trick in Argentina's opener against Algeria. He went on to bag a brace against Austria, leaving his team top of their group and breaking a whole heap of records in the process, some of the most eye-catching being: the most goals scored at a men's World Cup; the oldest player to score a hat trick in World Cup History; the most World Cup matches played by a single player. It seems it is almost impossible to chat about Messi without bringing up Cristiano Ronaldo - the two have been pushing each other (in the media's headlines if not their own minds) for as long as they've been playing. Ronaldo also knocked in a couple in Portugal's second game making him equal with Messi in scoring at six different World Cups. He's two years older than Messi so has got the better of him on that front. A quick Google comparison indicates that Messi is the leader in many statistics, "most notably leading in goals, assists, total goal contributions, and by winning the World Cup trophy in 2022." While that last statistic may be the one that counts the most, what really interests me is that Messi has four times the number of assists and more than double the 'goal contributions'. One of these players knows it is not all about them.
2. The defenders - as a former right back, one of the things that annoys me a bit about the media and the punditry is the focus on the attackers. A goalless draw can be fascinating if one appreciates the art of a good block or an off-the-line-clearance. I know there is also a golden glove contest for the keepers, but most of the time folk bemoan the lack of goals as if they're the only consideration. It's like watching cricket and ignoring the bowlers' skill, claiming a match is only interesting if there are lots of runs, without acknowledging the wickets taken. True, a lot of the challenges are tough and it's not always pretty, but it is crucial. Unfortunately, we saw the worst of it when the tackle from Qatar's Assim Madibo resulted in a broken leg for Canada's Ismael Kone, and a red card and five-match ban for the guilty midfielder. However, I maintain that if France win the World Cup (and they are my favourites to do so), it will be largely due to their impeccable defence.
3. The managers - There's always a bit of debate about who controls the team - the manager, the captain, the talisman player, the bloke who's good for the dressing room (which appears to be the reason Jordan Henderson is in the England squad), or the media darling (see Cristiano Ronaldo). Tunisia thought the manager had pre-eminence and sacked Sabri Lamouchi after their first-round 5-1 defeat by Sweden. It didn't do them much good, however, as they finished bottom of their group with no points and a goal difference of -10. They have form at this, having previously sacked their manager, Henryk Kasperczak, two games into the World Cup in 1998, from whence they proceeded to also finish last in their group. Meanwhile Didier Deschamps will miss the largely exhibition match between France and Norway as he flies home for his mother's funeral. The team will show their support and undoubtedly play their finest football in respect. And the manager of Ecuador, Sebastian Beccacece, acts as if his country's victory against Germany is all due to him as he prances up and down the touchline, hugging his entourage in the crowd, tennis-style, and drawing all attention to his antics before finally congratulating his players, basically carrying on like a pork chop, as they say in these parts. 

4. The new rules - FIFA enjoys faffing about with the rules of the game just before big tournaments (silver goal, anyone?). The changes are usually introduced to make things more 'exciting', to give more impetus to the attackers and to speed up the run of play. This time round the new rules largely relate to time wasting and affect tardy throw-ins, substitutions and VAR decisions over off-sides and corner kicks. As mentioned in the previous post, the referees are being relatively consistent and, despite the three red cards in the first game of the tournament (Mexico v South Africa), are letting the games flow. One new rule which has has immediate dramatic results, however, is the one about covering the mouth in a confrontational situation. In a Champion's League game, a Benfica player was accused of making discriminatory remarks to Real Madrid’s Vinícius Júnior, but because he covered his mouth, lip-readers (who are employed for exactly this sort of thing) could not verify the accusation and so it went unpunished. Paraguay’s Miguel Almirón was the first to fall foul of this new regulation as he was sent off in his team's group match against Türkiye. We may not know what he said, but he knows he shouldn't have said it, and he definitely shouldn't have tried to hide it. He can't say he wasn't warned.
5. The commentators - Most of them are knowledgeable and informative, guiding the viewer through the games with helpful understanding. Andy Townsend is, of course, my favourite and has been ever since I met him at a book signing in 1994, and Peter Drury is particularly solid with his mix of enthusiasm and expertise. And then we have the Americans. Brad Friedel has experience despite a complete lack of apparent personality, but he is infinitely preferrable to John Easton who blurts out bullsh*t at an incredible rate. The epitome of someone who has never been told that if he hasn't got anything interesting to say, he should remain quiet, he barely listens to his fellow commentators, and just repeats what they might have said more loudly and more crassly. It was actually a relief when someone killed the sound during the Netherlands v Sweden match so we could concentrate on the football rather than the banal yahooing. At least we are spared the Fox fiasco, in which Alexi Lalas has apparently managed to ghast the flabber of even the most insouciant Henry with his verbose vapidity. It is painfully embarrassing to all in the studio and at home what a glaring division there is between the 'soccer' sycophants and the rest of the world.

Friday Five: Olympic Showjumps (Yes; There's a Lot More Than Five)

Another of those sports I don't usually watch but which grips me during the Olympics is the horsey-stuff, or equestrian as I believe it's known. I've become temporarily obssessed with the showjumping. I know it will have passed by next week, but for now comments such as, 'You need to slow down and think if you're a horse' are fascinating me. 

At the Palace of Versailles, the jumps themselves represent a variety of themes from literature, history and geography. Here are a selection, with notes from the official programme.

OOGG 1900

The first to be held in Paris, the Olympic Games of 1900 was noted for its long duration (14 May - 28 October) and its diversity of sports, which included not only traditional disciplines such as athletics and cycling, but also 'peculiar' events such as cricket, croquet, golf, and 'pelota vasca'. In addition, it was the first time that women participated in the Olympic Games, with the victory of British tennis player Charlotte Cooper standing out.

Mascote

Boules de neige

Parisian tourism plays an important part in the city's economy and identity. Paris is recognised worldwide for its rich history, impressive architecture and artistic and cultural contribution. Emblematic monuments such as Notre-Dame Cathedral and the Chateau de Montmatre are cornerstones of this tourist attraction. 

Colonnes Morris

Colonnes Morris/ Morris Columns are the pointy-topped advertising structures, seen all over Paris and usually covered with flyers promoting shows, films and other events and products. They're named for Gabriel Morris, a French painter and typographer who introduced them in 1868.

Braille

Braille is a tactile writing system in which every letter, every number and even every musical, mathematical and scientific symbol is represented by a combination of six raised dots. The Braille system was invented by Louis Braille, who was born in 1890 in Coupvray, France. 

The Metropolitan

The Paris Metro has played a crucial role in the life of the French capital since its inauguration in 1900 during the Universal Exhibition (World Fair). Between 1900 and 1912, 141 entrances designed by Hector Guimard, a pioneer of the Art Noveau aesthetic, were installed and he transferred that aesthetic and elegance to the entrances, reintegrating organic forms in cast iron into functional objects, characterised by their 'dragonfly wings' and other ornaments such as the Dervaux lampost.

Ambiance Parisienne

The Parisian ambiance encapsulates the unique and distinctive essence of Paris. Parisian cafés are known for their cosy atmosphere and classic aesthetic, with wicker chairs and pavement tables that invite you to enjoy a coffee while watching life go by. Bistros, on the other hand, are small, informal restaurants that serve homemade French cuisine. These places are known for offering traditional dishes such as cassoulet, coq au vin and bouillabaisse in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere. 

The origin of the bistro's name lies in the invasion of the Place du Terte in Montmatre by the Cossacks in 1814, who came running to the establishments asking for alcohol. As they were not allowed to drink, they urged the waiter saying, 'bistro, bistro', which means 'quick, quick' in Russian, as they did not want to be caught by the officers with 'their elbows out' during service hours. 

The furniture is iconic, with the tables having a central black iron leg and a round marble top. The classic Thonet No. 14 or 'bistro chair' is made of a rattan grill back combined with shapes and colours depending on the style of the basserie.The design, made of wood with a slatted seat, was created in 1859 by the eponymous German furniture designer, following a unique technique of steam bending wood that required years of refinement. This design won a gold medal at the 1867 Paris World Fair.

Over the years, coffee became popular among the upper classes, as did chocolate, which created a demand that was met by the first coffee shop in Paris, which opened its doors in 1686 in the Saint-Germain-des Prés district under the name of Le Procope. Only a decade later, coffee shops had already multiplied by 200 throughout the city, thanks to the fact that coffee was more affordable than chocolate and that the middle class became addicted to it. 

Art Urbain

Urban art in Paris has a rich history dating back decades, gaining momentum especially in the 1980s. Pioneering figures such as Blek le Rat and Miss Tic helped establish street art on the city's streets. Districts such as Le Marais and Belleville are known for their vibrant murals and urban art festivals that transform the streets into open-air galleries.

Le Petit Prince

Le Petit Prince is a novel known for its poetic approach and illustrations by the French author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (born 1900 in Lyon). It was published in 1943 and has become one of the most tanslated and best-selling works of world literature, with readers of all ages. A pioneering commerical aviation pilot, Saint Exupéry channeled his experiences in the sky into his writings, fusing poetry with an exploration of the human condition. Saint Exupéry's life was cut short during WWII, but his legacy lives on in both literature and aviation history. The story follows an aviator who crashes in the Sahara desert and finds a little prince who comes from another planet. As the aviator repairs his plane, the little prince shares his experiences, anecdotes and reflections of life, love, innocence and human nature. 

Fables de la Fontaine

The French poet Jean de la Fontaine, contemporary of Moliere, member of the French Academy, was one of the most popular French writers. He belonged to the generation of the precursors of the Enlightenment. He achieved his literary fame thanks to the adaptation of the ancient fables and tales of Aesop of Anatolia. Fables of Fontaine were grouped in a collection of 243 fables in 12 books, the first volume published in 1668 and the last in 1694, a year before his death. These fables have become a classic work of French literature. 

La Fontaine's fables are known for featuring anthropomorphosised animals, and each fable usually concludes with a moral or life lesson. La Fontaine's work is appreciated for his keen observation of human nature and his ability to convey moral teachings through the witty and often humorous stoiries. Some of La Fontaine's best-known fables are La Cigale et la Fourmi (The Cicada and the Ant), Le Corbeau et le Renard (The Raven and the Fox), and Le Liévre et la Tortue (The Hare and the Tortoise). These fables, initially conceived for an adult audience, have become a classic of children's literature since the 19th century and continue to be read and studied as a reference in French literature and education. 

Montgolfier

The story goes that when Joseph Michel Motgolfier, heir to a paper manufacturer's dynasty, saw a woman's shirt float in the air due to the heat of a fire, he concluded that hot air lifted things up. Accompanied by his brother, Jacques-Etienne, he proved that hot air or hydrogen were perfectly retained by a silk sheath. This principle had already been formulated 2,000 years earlier by Archimedes. King Louis XVI, fond of science and technical advances, demanded a demonstration at Versailles. Jacques-Etienne, with his friend Jean-Baptiste Réveillon, a paper manufacturer, worked on the design of a varnished taffeta ballon with a wicker basket attached. They filled the basket with a sheep, a duck and a rooster, who made the first flight (of about ten minutes) and landed safely. 

Arc de Triomphe

Along the bottom of the Arc de Triomphe jump, the laurel wreaths represent the sculpture on the left face of the arch, Cortot's The Triumph of Napoleon, in which a toga-clad Napoleon is crowned with one.

Notre Dame

The Notre Dame jump recreates one of the well-known rose windows of the Notre Dame Cathedral, masterpieces of Gothic art that cover over 1,000 square feet of the church. Fortunately, all of the windows survived the devastating fire that destroyed part of the spire and roof of the cathedral in 2019.

Tour Eiffel

Statue de la Liberté

The Statue of Liberty is one of the most iconic attractions in the United States, a universal symbol of freedom and democracy, recognised around the world. Designed by the French sculptor, Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi, it was a gift from the French people to the United States to commemorate the centennial of their independence, and to symbolise the friendship between the two countries. The Statue of Liberty is located on Liberty Island in New York Harbour, a reminder of New York's role as a gateway for millions of immigrants who came to the United States in search of a better life. 

The statue represents Libertas, the Roman goddess of liberty, and its design includes symbolic elements, such as the raised torch, symbolising the light of freedom, and the tablet with the date of U.S. independence (July 4, 1776) held in her left hand. The United States returned the favour to the French and gave them on the first centenary of the French Revolution a replica of the Statue of Liberty, on a four-times smaller scale, which is situated on the Ile de Grenelle in the middle of the Seine, looking in the direction of its big sister in New York.

Bir-Hakeim Bridge

Alexandre III Bridge

The Alexandre III Bridge, built in 1900 for the Universal Exposition in Paris, stands out as one of the most elegant and ornate bridges in the city. Named in honour of the Russian Tsar Alexander III, who died in 1894, it was his son, Tsar Nicholas II who laid the foundation stone of the bridge in 1896. The bridge symbolises the union in the Franco-Russian alliance and its Art Nouveau design includes elaborately decorated bronze lanterns, golden Pegasus statues and other intricate decorations and details.

Horloge d' Orsay 

The clock on the facade of the Musée d'Orsay has become the hallmark and one of the most recognisable architectural feautures of the museum, which was originally built as a train station, the Gare d'Orsay, for the Universal Exhibition of 1900. It served as a terminus for short-distance trains to the southwest of France. In the 1830s the station became obsolete for modern trains and was threatened with demolition before being transformed into the Musée d'Orsay in the 1980s, dedicated mainly to artwork produced in the period from 1848-1914.

The distinctive design of the clock, with Roman numerals and wrought iron hands, has become an iconic symbol of the museum and can be seen from the opposite bank of the river and from some key points of the city of Paris. It is one of the most photographed sites in the city. Its interior view has also becoime a strong tourist attraction due to the spectacular views that can be seen through the dial of the enormous clock facade.

L'Opera Garnier

Opera in France was introduced in the 17th century, initially with performances of Italian opera at the court of Anne of Austria. Jean-Baptiste Lully, an Italian composer, played a pivotal role in establishing a distinctively French operatic style and collaborating with Molière in the integration of music and scene. The founding of the Opéra Royal in Paris in 1669 by Louis XIV cemented the prominent position of French opera in European culture, leaving a significant mark on the history of music and the performing arts. Paris is a leading operatic epicentre, home to iconic theatres such as the Opéra Garnier and the Opéra Bastille.

Napoleon III, on the occasion on the great works of remodelling and transforming of the city by Haussmann, commisssioned a young and unknown architect to design the new opera house, becoming the thirteenth opera house in Paris after its foundation by King Louis XIV in 1669. After 15 years of construction, it was inaugurated in 1875, and the architect Charles Garnier eventually gave his name to the building. His acoustic studies and vision requirements shaped the horseshoe shape of the main hall, transformng it into one of the iconic opera houses. 

The Opéra Garnier marked a new architectural trend that spread throughout the world under the name of Beaux Arts. The original ceiling of the dome of the central auditorium, painted in 1875, was transformed by the painter Marc Chagall, who incorportaed great opera composers in a singular universe, and is a multicoloured impact statement.

French composers such as Georges Bizet and Jules Massenet have contributed to the international operatic repertoire with works such as Carmen and Manon, and James Offenbach, with his masterpiece, The Tales of Hoffmann, is an example of the richness and diversity of the French operatic repertoire, which is characterised by its fusion of dramatic and lyrical elements, incorporating ballets and eloaborate choruses. Comic opera, which has flourished in France, stands out for its mixture of comedy and lyrical music.

France hosts renowned opera festivals, such as the Aix-en-Provence Festival and the Montpellier Opera Festival, which attract artists and opera lovers from around the world. Institutions such as the Opéra National de Paris and the Opéra Comique play a crucial role in preserving and promoting opera in the country, ensuring that this art form remains vibrant and accessible to current and future generations.

Provence-Champs de Lavande

The Provence region, located in the southeast of France, is famous, among other things, for its extensive lavender fields. The lavender season generally reaches its peak in the summer months of June and July. 

Cabines de plage

The history of beach cabins is closely linked with the history of sea bathing, which started to become fashionable in the 19th century. These wooden (or cloth) cabins were at first mobile, placed on top of horse-drawn carts. Their purpose was to allow bathers to change without being seen, to store deck chairs, umbrellas, towels and beach equipment, or to protect themselves from the wind. White or coloured, single-coloured or striped, private or public, the cabins are part of the image of Normandy's seaside vacations. 

Gastronomie

French pastry gatronomy is a refined culinary art that has achieved worldwide renown. French patisserie encompasses a wide variety of exquisite creations ranging from iconic macarons to croissants, éclairs and pains au chocolat. 

Vinification

New Olympic Pictograms

Pictograms - graphic representations - have been used at the Games since Tokyo in 1964. This jump features the six-sided badges symbolising each sport, laid out in a honeycomb-like design. The equestrian jumping pictogram is in the middle of the second row on the left with four horse heads surrounding two fences in the centre.

Toulouse Lautrec

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, a prominent French painter and poster artist of the late 19th century (1864-1901) left a lasting mark on the world of art and culture. His work is characterised by capturing the bohemian life and nighlife of Paris during the Belle Epoque, a time of relative peace and prosperity in Europe between the late 19th and early 20th centuries. He was particularly noted for his depictions of cabarets, theatres and brothels, with the Moulin Rogue being one of the most iconic places immortalised in his works. Toulouse-Lautrec was known for his style, which combined vibrant colours and expressive lines. In addition to his artistic skill, he also excelled as a poster artist, depicting advertising posters that have become iconic works of art of the time. Despite his short life, his artistic legacy has endured and had a great influence on the development of modern art, especially in the field of poster art and the representation of urban life. 

Folies de la Villette

In the spirit of the whimsical constructions in eighteenth-century parks and gardens, 26 folies are scattered through the Parc de la Villette with their bright red appearance. While their square bases are all identical in size (10.8 square metres), their shapes vary depending on their intended use. Designed by architect Bernard Tschumi, the follies act as architectural representations of deconstruction. They are also meant to act as points of reference that help visitors gain a sense of direction and navigate through the space.

Tokyo Ensō

While many of the designs have themes tied to Paris, some nod back to past host cities. This jump incorporates Japanese calligraphy in an homage to Tokyo. The ensō or circle, is usually painted in one continuous brushstroke and symbolises wholeness and completion.

Tokyo Wave

In another nod to Tokyo, this jump represents The Great Wave, a famous piece painted by Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai between 1829 and 1832.

Los Angeles 2028

While many of the jumps honour past host countries and Paris landmarks, this jump looks firmly ahead to the next Games, which are to be held in LA in 2028.

A well as all of the above, there are also jumps which represent Mont Blanc, the Dune of Pilat, the gardens of Versailles and the Tuileries, the Pompidou Centre, Parisian streets including the Champs Elysées, the architecture of Baron Haussmann, the fairytales of Charles Perrault, cinema (invented by the Lumière brothers), Auguste Rodin, Jacques Cousteau, ballet, card games (invented in France), perfume, haute couture and Limoges porcelain.

They are all genuinely fascinating and a great way to showcase the highlights of a city or country. I shall definitely look closely at them for the next Olympics.

Friday Five (Actually Twelve): Paris Olympics 2024 Opening Ceremony

Let's start with the opening ceremony. Wow; c'était fou! I loved it. There has been a lot of talk about it being disorganised and chaotic, but I loved the madcap nature of the event as it showcased Paris as it is, and if you don't like it, tant pis - which is as French as you get.

Firstly, it is the first time in the history of the Summer Games that the Opening Ceremony did not take place in a stadium. The idea was that it would bring the sports to the city; the athletes travelled down the Seine in a variety of boats, and the punters lined the quays (or les rives) for free to cheer on the participants and to enjoy the spectacle. Yes, it rained, but so what? It rains in France. There was a nice touch with a tri-coloured 'water fountain' smoke above one of the bridges, although there was some poor bloke strapped above it with an accordion and wings getting absolutely drenched.

The boats were an inspired touch. The flotilla appeared in French alphabetical order, which was fun to remember that Germany is L'Allemagne and Spain is Espagne. Several people in the Twitterverse were getting very confused, which is also fun. They were complaining that there was no Les Etats Unis or Australie, until it was pointed out that the next Olympics are in Los Angeles and the 2032 event in Brisbane, so those hosting countries are second last and third last respectively, before France brings up the rear.

All the boats are different shapes and sizes, looking like a reverse Dunkirk affair - the Americans have the biggest and flashiest; the French have the most stylish; and Bhutan have the most expensive - the three athletes representing Bhutan are aboard a 1964 vintage Murano, 'a Riva Yachts Venetian limousine tender built in mahogany and varnished to a high sheen'. 

Brazil have a party boat, the Cambodian craft looks like it is about to get swamped, and the patched-up Refugee Olympic Team vessel would have been turned back by Tony Abbott. Many nations have to share with each other. Team GB (Tom Daly and Helen Glover doing flag waving duty and obligatory Titanic pose) share with Grenada, Guam and Guatemala. Because the TV commentators have absolutely no clue what is happening (other than that it is raining), they revert to their notes frequently. Hence I learn that Guatemala is one of the few countries to have won more Nobel prizes than Olympic medals, Lichtenstein's national anthem is the same tune as God Save the King, and Nepal is the only country in the world with a non-quadrilateral flag.

The athletes are all proudly wearing their national outfits (Belgium are either all in red, yellow or black; the Bermudans wear shorts that in Bermuda they probably just call 'shorts'), although as the day wears on and the rain increases many of them cover them up with fetching plastic ponchos. Bulgaria looks like they are about to go to war; Burkina Faso have good hats; Naby Keita is the flag bearer for Guinea; according to the commentators Guinea-Bissau is one of the 'new countries' who have never won a medal; insights into the Italians (in outfits by Armani) is that theirs is a country of 'great people; great food'.

Mongolia have the best uniforms; Mozambique are wearing pop art jackets; the folk from Niger all salute as they sail past; Slovenia are literally bouncing, as are Sudan in a very small boat (not sure the optics are great on that one); USA, of course, has the largest contingent (over 500 athletes) and appear to be navigating the Seine on a cruise ship; France has the nicest boat, which is gleaming white and all lit up like an ocean liner.

The ceremony was divided into sections to give it a rough thematic element. I shall try and explain what occured in some of them, but (due to the commentators not having a clue what was going on), I may well get some of this completely confused. Throughout it all there was some mysterious parcours torch bearer, who nicked the torch from a bunch of kids and then nipped about with it on the roof tops.

1. Enchanté - a sort of pink section in which Lady Gaga does a turn with flaming galas, fans and large pom-poms, which are apparently a girl's best friend as she imitates a French Marilyn Monroe, walking down golden steps with art nouveau Paris metro signs. It's all about 'culture, spirit and personality' apparently. There are dancers wearing cellophane hats and doing the can-can, which appears hugely out of time but that could be due to the way that sound (and light) travels in waves. There is a rugby sevens lift in a section called 'chic' and a tribute to French characters over the years, only marginally marred by the fact that no one appears to know who they are. The parcours ninja dude is now on a zipline.

2. Synchronicité - there is a tribute to the workers who are restoring Notre Dame, involving much pirouetting and dancing on scaffolding. A golden wave is depicted on the buildings alongside the quay while an orchestra is back-lit in a window. We learn there is a special Louis Vitton case for the medals and that each one contains a piece of the Eiffel Tower, which must make one a little wary of climbing it now (or in fact of being anywhere near it), in case it falls down, what with all those bits removed. The medals are carried down the river in a boat manned by Martin Foucard (former biathlete and most successful French Winter Olympian of all time) and Michael Phelps - at least he can swim to collect the medals if they fall in.  There's more celebrations of French craftspeople, some damp breakdancing on a pontoon in the river and a spot of ballet on the rooftops. More footage of Notre Dame, with a hunchback on the spire and a few Les Miserables references (that's Victor Hugo covered). 

3. Liberté - and now we come to the revolution - oh, those crazy French celebrating decapitated bodies. The windows are full of headless Marie Antoinettes (the parcours dude watches on from across the river) with pyrotechnics, rock music (Gojira performing Mea Culpa (Ah Ca Ira) which is utterly fabulous), a woman singing opera (possibly The Marriage of Figaro) in the prow of a golden barge, blood red streamers being fired out of cannons, and people on poles above the Pont des Arts (the bridge with all the padlocks) à la Kate Miller-Heidke's Eurovision performance. Then cut to a quiet section in a library promoting love and literature, Verlaine in Harlequin outfits, wafting paper, references to Guy de Maupassant, Raymond Radiguet, Moliere, Choleros de Laclos and Marivaux, a chap on a highwire, the bright colours of the Pompidou Centre and non-too subtle allusions to love beween same sex couples and a menage a trois before a heart appears in the sky over l'ile de la cite.

4. Egalité - This is represented by a brass band in military uniform marching across a bridge. The parcours bloke runs past and lights up a building; a golden catwalk appears on which there is RnB pop performed to the accompaniment of the military band. 

5. Fraternité - The parcours chap is now in the Louvre (we had to go there) and he runs past various masterpieces, where the figures contained within the frames turn to look at him. Next thing, there are empty canvases, as all the people have popped out to head to the windows and overlook the river procession, where the athletes are now all shrouded in fetching plastic ponchos and some poor bloke is playing the piano in the driving rain which is literally bouncing off the keyboard. But wait, what's this? Oh no! La Gioconda has disparu! A periscope pops up and we discover that the Minions have stolen the painting and are doing field sports in a submarine. One of them throws a javelin which bursts the walls of the vessel, which floods and they all end up floating on the surface. We see through the spectacular clock face on the Musée d'Orsay and suddenly there is a balloon which floats up to the moon with the bullet casing in its eye (nod to Jules Verne) and Le Petit Prince is also there. This all culminates in a beautiful verion of La Marseillaise atop Le Grand Palais performed by mezzo-soprano Axelle Saint-Cirel.

6. Sororité - After the men, we have the women (plus ça change... but at least we have them). Famous iconic faces emerge from the water, echoed by golden statues on the quay. These include Olympe de Gouges (woman of letters, politican and activist; best known for her Declaration of the Rights of Women and The Female Citizen written in 1791 during the French Revolution; campaigned for the abolition of slavery and was guillotined in 1793), Alice Milliat (1884-1957; pioneer of women's sport whose successful lobbying on behalf of female athletes led to the inclusion of many more sports within the Olympic Games), Gisèle Halimi (1927-2020; lawyer, politician, essayist and activist; former deputy of the French National Assembly), Paulette Nardal (1896-1985; writer and journalist who became the first black woman to study at the Sorbonne), Jeanne Barret (1740-1807; the first woman to circumnavigate the globe - I read a great book about her by Glynis Ridley called The Discovery of Jeanne Barret), Chrsitine de Pizan (1364-1431; philosopher and poet and the first author to make a living from writing, among other works she wrote La Cité des Dames in which she extolled illustrious women and imagined a female government), Louise Michel (1830-1905; teacher, writer and feminist activist who took an active part in the events of the Paris Commune in 1871. She was deported to New Caledonia where she continued her fight against French colonialism), Alice Guy (1973-1968; one of the world's first female directors, her film La Feé aux Choux is considered the first narrative film), and Simone Veil (1927-2017; Holocaust survivor, politician and advocate for women's rights, particularly known for legalising abortion in France). We were also meant to have Simone de Beauvoir (1908-1986; philosopher, writer and feminist theorist most famous for writing Le Deuxièm Sexe), but her pedestal failed to rise due to technical difficulties, which I am trying desparately hard not to see as a metaphor.

7. Sportivité - We have BMX, breakdancing, and skipping on a skate park designed to look like those exquisite French manicured lawns with topiary and everything. This is the section where they let the kids take charge; they dance in white outfits, Napoleon hats and Pierrot costumes; there are dancers with hoops and ribbons, skateboards and basketballs. No one thinks this is good except their parents. There is an opera singing breaker, an Algerian-French rapper (Rim'K) giving it large about how he doesn't want to be a super hero; just a super human, and lots of pretty light fountains. It actually all looks formidable from above with all the lights and the bridges lit with red, white and blue in strobe flashes. 

8. Festivité - Ok, now this is one of the maddest bits of the cermony. A large bloke looks like a smurf lying in the middle of a fruit platter, while a drag-queen/ transvestite cohort cavort around them. It is meant to represent a feast in the spirit of the gods of Olympus and blue guy is Dionysis, god of wine, winemaking, fertility, festivity, madness and theatre (we know how those things go together, right?). It is meant to celebrate the tolerance and inclusion of the games, but already people are outraged that is is mocking Christianity and taking a swipe at The Last Supper. I mean, it possibly is; after all, all myths are connested, n'est-ce pas? To a sort of Jean-Michel Jarre-esque vibe we then have a catwalk on the footbridge where models (many of whom have a disability for inclusion and so we can allude to the Paralympics) strut their stuff. The designers are emerging artists and apparently iconic pieces from the collection will be available after the ceremony. Of course the parcours dude gets a look in here as well. The spectators all then get up and dance on the bridge and everyone has a jolly time. 

9. Obscurité - The final countdown begins and as the stars of the European Union flag swirl around the Eiffel Tower, we get the banging beats of a techno dance part mixed with ballet. The house piano of Ride on Time and Be My Lover is throbbing through the city as 'caught up in the turmoil and faced with worries of the future, the young dance'. The theme of this opening ceremony is Ensemble unis pour la paix (we stand together and call for peace), which is apparently symbolised by a couple singing Imagine on a raft while their piano catches fire.

10. Solidarité - the parcours bloke is now on a metal horse with the Olympic flag which he parades down the middle of the river as if skimming across the water. With the glam rock music, the digital wings spreading out above the bridges, and the laser lighting effects, this bit is very impressive and it occurs to me that I have assumed the parcours chap is a chap, when in fact there is every possibility that they are Joan of Arc, or even the spirit of the Seine, Sequana. There is a tribute to former French Olympians and then many flag bearers carry their emblems beneath the Eiffel Tower. A real horse (with a rider) clip-clops across the bridge and a chivalric knight carries the Olympic flag up the steps onto an Eiffel-tower shaped stage. The flag is promptly raised and as it unfurls, it is noted that it is upside down. Oops. A choir sings the anthem of the Olympics (of course it has one) - the kids haven't got the words but the adults have and their sheet music is soaking.

11. Solemnité - A segment attempts to show where they are getting those bits of the Eiffel Tower from (still deeply concerning) and then men in blue suits do speeches and swear Olympic oaths. The parcours dude comes up through the floor (it wasn't them on the horse after all; still deeply confusing) and hands the torch to Zizou, who passes it off to Raffa (no, he's not French but he is 14x winner at Roland Garos). Lights roam up and down the Eiffel Tower, with beams and sweeping arcs, that structure looks like it's dancing. She is stunning and magnifique. Raffa takes the torch back off down the river while the iron giraffe parties on. He's on a boat with Serena Williams (trying to wave but looking very ill), Carl Lewis and Nadia Comăneci. Meanwhile, back on the Trocadero stage a dancer and sign language interpreter perform Marc Cerrone's Supernature, and then disappear through the trapdoor through which parcours dude arrived earlier. Now Amélie Mauresmo has the torch (tennis players are everywhere), then Tony Parker (basketball), before being joined by a trio of  Paralympic Champions, Nantenin Keita, Alexis Hanquinquant and Marie-Amélie Le Fur. 

12. Eternité - the torch makes its way through the Carrousel du Louvre forecourt, the Tuileries and the Arc de Triomphe, passing through hands very quickly (they get about ten seconds each before they fall into a formation) and continue to a big balloon. The final leg of the relay is taken by Charles Coste, a French Olympic champion who was part of the cycling team pursuit in 1948. Born in 1924 (the year Paris last held the Olympics) the centurian is the oldest living French Olympic champion. He lights the torches of Teddy Rinner (judo) and Marie-José Pérec (sprinter) who light the cauldron, a ring of many LEDs and high pressure water sprays, which make the hydrogen-gas filled balloon rise into the night sky. It's tethered so it doesn't float off, and the French are very proud that it is the first Olympic cauldron to light up without the use of fossil fuels. The balloon is a nod to French inventors (particularly the Montgolfier brothers), and the spirit of daring and creativity. 

Epilogue - Céline Dion belts out a version of Edith Piaf's Hyme à l'amour from Level One of the Eiffel Tower. It's a stunning performance, note perfect with shades of Evita, and then it's all over. You're welcome.