Friday Five (on a Saturday): World Cup Wonderings Week Three

Herewith, the latest instalment:

1. The stars are out to play. Mbappe and Haaland may be taking over from Messi and Rondaldo as the newer generation of super strikers. Goals galore are also expected from the likes of Kai Havertz and Vinicius Junior, while I am quietly keeping an eye on Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham. it was also noted that Mo Salah scored his first World Cup goal helping Egypt to win their first World Cup match (3-1 v NZ). How have they not done this before now? They are now in the round of 32: let's hope their successful run continues.
2. Meanwhile, other so-called celebrities are less illuminating. Those from the realm of music and film are recognisable: Mick Jagger; Matt Damon; Penelope Cruz; Javier Bardem; Tom Cruise; Billy Bob Thornton; Rob Lowe; Owen Wilson; Sofia Vergara; Alanis Morisette; Ryan Reynolds, to name but several. There are also plenty of former footballers out and about, notably David Beckham, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Alexia Putellas, Zinedine Zidane, and Luis Suarez. The VIP lounges are full of champagne and prawn sandwiches, but the English commentators hilariously fail to recognise any 'stars' of American sports. The cameras pan to the supposed superstar who has no interest in the match and is purely there to be seen and dead air ensues while the commentator is clearly being told who that might be, before they announce it is of course some legend from letters (NFL; NBA; MLB). Until last week I had never heard of Patrick Mahomes, Marshawn Lynch, Jalen Brunson, Dirk Nowitzki, or Aaron Judge, I'm pretty sure many of the UK commentators hadn't either. Welcome to Corporate America.
3. Staying with transatlantic travesties, what are they trying to do to our language? When did transition become a footballing term? I know what it means, as a team tries to play out from the back through the midfield towards the opposition goal, but of course Americans need a new way to explain moving from DEEfence to OFFfence. While we're here, it is nil not zero, pitch not field, shirt not jersey, clean sheet not shut out, boots not cleats, manager not coach; striker not forward; squad not roster, and definitely club not franchise. Franchises have no place in sport. And teams are plural. You may be You Ess Eh? But We Are England.

4. On the subject of FIFA faffing, it never rains but it pours. We are now all aware of the sporting rain and weather protocols: we learned that U.S. sporting protocol requires a mandatory wait time of thirty minutes after the last observed lightning strike or thunder before play can resume. Every time a new lightning strike occurs within the designated danger radius (typically 8 miles or 13 km), the 30-minute countdown clock resets completely. So, after the start of the Mexico v Ecuador game was delayed by an hour, we were all expecting that there would be no hydration break, especially because FIFA announced that there wouldn't be. However, as the temperatures plummeted to 14 degrees, everyone was adequately cool and refreshed, and the momentum of the match was cracking along exceptionally energetically, Fox must have called FIFA and reminded them of the money they were making through the ads, and so we were 'treated' to one after all. What an absolute shower.
5. The super-subs: Over 20% of goals scored have been by substitutes, and many of these within mere moments of the sub coming off the bench. There are plenty of reasons for this, namely, it's only the second World Cup that has allowed teams to make five substitutions, and also, the fatigue of the existing players means the fresh legs are particularly valuable. It's hot, it's humid, some stadiums are at altitude, and this combination of factors causes players' performances to drop off towards the end of the match. It makes thing interesting if nothing else. Mattias Svanberg scored in the 84th minute for Sweden in their 5-1 victory over Tunisia, 18 seconds after stepping onto the pitch and with his very first touch in a set piece. Romelu Lukaku made a near-instant impact for Belgium in the 66th minute against Egypt. A mere 22 seconds after his introduction, his powerful run forced an Egyptian defender to turn the ball into his own net, rescuing a 1–1 draw. Coming on as a late tactical change in the 90+5 minute against Algeria, the Austrian Saša Kalajdžić met a crossed ball with his first touch to power home an equalizer just 61 seconds later. The dramatic finish meant that Iran were knocked out of the tournament as a 3rd place getter with insufficient points. When Switzerland played Bosnia and Herzegovina in their group-stage match, four of the five goals were scored by subs. As always, fans are often disappointed when their favourites are subbed off, but when it works, the manager is considered a tactical genius. Conversely, Australian manager Tony Popovic subbed on experienced captain, Matthew Ryan in the 119th minute of extra time to replace starting goalkeeper Patrick Beach for the penalty shootout against Egypt. The high-stakes strategic gamble ultimately backfired, as Ryan was unable to save any of Egypt's four penalties, resulting in elimination for the Socceroos in the round of 32.

Friday Five: World Cup Wonderings Week Two

Carrying on where we left off last week - I've not actually left off at all to be honest - here are some more musings from the highest echelons of the beautiful game.

1. The individuals - Yes, it's a team game. But the golden boot competition is for single strikers, and it's alive and kicking. Of course we have to mention Lionel Messi. At 39 years old he is leading the race, scoring a hat-trick in Argentina's opener against Algeria. He went on to bag a brace against Austria, leaving his team top of their group and breaking a whole heap of records in the process, some of the most eye-catching being: the most goals scored at a men's World Cup; the oldest player to score a hat trick in World Cup History; the most World Cup matches played by a single player. It seems it is almost impossible to chat about Messi without bringing up Cristiano Ronaldo - the two have been pushing each other (in the media's headlines if not their own minds) for as long as they've been playing. Ronaldo also knocked in a couple in Portugal's second game making him equal with Messi in scoring at six different World Cups. He's two years older than Messi so has got the better of him on that front. A quick Google comparison indicates that Messi is the leader in many statistics, "most notably leading in goals, assists, total goal contributions, and by winning the World Cup trophy in 2022." While that last statistic may be the one that counts the most, what really interests me is that Messi has four times the number of assists and more than double the 'goal contributions'. One of these players knows it is not all about them.
2. The defenders - as a former right back, one of the things that annoys me a bit about the media and the punditry is the focus on the attackers. A goalless draw can be fascinating if one appreciates the art of a good block or an off-the-line-clearance. I know there is also a golden glove contest for the keepers, but most of the time folk bemoan the lack of goals as if they're the only consideration. It's like watching cricket and ignoring the bowlers' skill, claiming a match is only interesting if there are lots of runs, without acknowledging the wickets taken. True, a lot of the challenges are tough and it's not always pretty, but it is crucial. Unfortunately, we saw the worst of it when the tackle from Qatar's Assim Madibo resulted in a broken leg for Canada's Ismael Kone, and a red card and five-match ban for the guilty midfielder. However, I maintain that if France win the World Cup (and they are my favourites to do so), it will be largely due to their impeccable defence.
3. The managers - There's always a bit of debate about who controls the team - the manager, the captain, the talisman player, the bloke who's good for the dressing room (which appears to be the reason Jordan Henderson is in the England squad), or the media darling (see Cristiano Ronaldo). Tunisia thought the manager had pre-eminence and sacked Sabri Lamouchi after their first-round 5-1 defeat by Sweden. It didn't do them much good, however, as they finished bottom of their group with no points and a goal difference of -10. They have form at this, having previously sacked their manager, Henryk Kasperczak, two games into the World Cup in 1998, from whence they proceeded to also finish last in their group. Meanwhile Didier Deschamps will miss the largely exhibition match between France and Norway as he flies home for his mother's funeral. The team will show their support and undoubtedly play their finest football in respect. And the manager of Ecuador, Sebastian Beccacece, acts as if his country's victory against Germany is all due to him as he prances up and down the touchline, hugging his entourage in the crowd, tennis-style, and drawing all attention to his antics before finally congratulating his players, basically carrying on like a pork chop, as they say in these parts. 

4. The new rules - FIFA enjoys faffing about with the rules of the game just before big tournaments (silver goal, anyone?). The changes are usually introduced to make things more 'exciting', to give more impetus to the attackers and to speed up the run of play. This time round the new rules largely relate to time wasting and affect tardy throw-ins, substitutions and VAR decisions over off-sides and corner kicks. As mentioned in the previous post, the referees are being relatively consistent and, despite the three red cards in the first game of the tournament (Mexico v South Africa), are letting the games flow. One new rule which has has immediate dramatic results, however, is the one about covering the mouth in a confrontational situation. In a Champion's League game, a Benfica player was accused of making discriminatory remarks to Real Madrid’s Vinícius Júnior, but because he covered his mouth, lip-readers (who are employed for exactly this sort of thing) could not verify the accusation and so it went unpunished. Paraguay’s Miguel Almirón was the first to fall foul of this new regulation as he was sent off in his team's group match against Türkiye. We may not know what he said, but he knows he shouldn't have said it, and he definitely shouldn't have tried to hide it. He can't say he wasn't warned.
5. The commentators - Most of them are knowledgeable and informative, guiding the viewer through the games with helpful understanding. Andy Townsend is, of course, my favourite and has been ever since I met him at a book signing in 1994, and Peter Drury is particularly solid with his mix of enthusiasm and expertise. And then we have the Americans. Brad Friedel has experience despite a complete lack of apparent personality, but he is infinitely preferrable to John Easton who blurts out bullsh*t at an incredible rate. The epitome of someone who has never been told that if he hasn't got anything interesting to say, he should remain quiet, he barely listens to his fellow commentators, and just repeats what they might have said more loudly and more crassly. It was actually a relief when someone killed the sound during the Netherlands v Sweden match so we could concentrate on the football rather than the banal yahooing. At least we are spared the Fox fiasco, in which Alexi Lalas has apparently managed to ghast the flabber of even the most insouciant Henry with his verbose vapidity. It is painfully embarrassing to all in the studio and at home what a glaring division there is between the 'soccer' sycophants and the rest of the world.

World Cup 2014: Today's Talking Point - The Case for the Defence

What else could we possibly talk about other than that defeat? Hosts Brazil, who haven't lost a home game since 1975, let in seven goals; five in nineteen minutes in the first half. The final score of 7-1 to Germany could have been greater. And every non-partisan supporter cheered for football.

The Brazilian team has been appalling in this World Cup. Their football has let them down; they have relied too much on Neymar and have left gaping holes in defence, as Germany exploited to their delight and Brazil's bemusement.

Brazil aren't the only ones; the defending at this World Cup hasn't exactly been spectacular. All the focus in the early stages was on Neymar, Suarez, Ronaldo, Messi, van Persie, Robben, and even Rooney, but no one bothered about what was going on (or not) at the back. The games in the group stages were largely goal-fests, which may have entertained the masses, but it didn't bode well for the future of football. It was clear that the teams that were going to succeed in this World Cup would be any one which paid equal attention to both ends of the pitch: bringing a fresh interpretation to the cliche, 'a game of two halves'.

But it was more than that. The tricks, flicks and flairs of traditional Brazilian football were infrequent in this tournament. Crowds have been turned off as the boys from Brazil have hacked, fouled, shoved, barged and kicked their way through to the semi-final. The fact that they have appeared to win more than their fair share of referee's calls has also looked ugly. It has been far from aesthetically pleasing, and football fans are unimpressed. And so there are very few regrets as the Germans go marching on. So long, samba; the party's over.

World Cup 2014: Today's Talking Point - Heroes and Villains

Football is theatre. It combines high drama with low comedy and deep tragedy. Hours of training and rehearsal culminate in a performance before spectators. A variety of characters peoples the stage, including hard-working straight men and heroes.

Two of these heroes were in action this morning. Tim Howard played an amazing game for the U.S.A. against Belgium. Confident and reliable at the back, he anchored an at-times shaky defence and made more saves than in any World Cup match since record-keeping began. Reports tend to be all about goals scored and of course these are important, but goals saved are equally so. Despite being on the loosing side, Howard should be proud of his hand in his team's impressive performance.

Lionel Messi is another of football's leading men. I heard a commentator say, 'If Argentina didn't have Messi, they'd just be an average side. But they have got Messi.' The Swiss tactics were clearly to mark him out of the game; whenever he got the ball he was surrounded by red shirts, and yet he still managed to skip a way through. The theory is that Argentina have a Plan A (get it to Messi) and a Plan B (get it to Messi). If both of these fail, they resort to the last measure (keep trying to get it to Messi). 

Football also crosses the threshold into pantomime, and every pantomime needs a villain. Many people award this role to Arjen Robben of The Netherlands. They claim he dives to fool the referee into awarding him penalties. This may be true. It is also true that he was fouled repeatedly in the game against Mexico; at least twice in the penalty area. 

If you are kicked, hacked and tripped, and the opposition are getting away with it, you have to draw the referee's attention to it somehow. Your side's chances to progress, your football, and your fitness are all at risk here. Maybe he overdoes it, but not without reason - and maybe that one wasn't the penalty that should have been awarded, but it made up for the two previous ones that weren't given.

Much harder to defend is Luis Suarez. Biting people is indefensible. I said it last year in April, and I say it again. There is no excuse. I know there are arguments as to his phenomenal footballing brilliance and his dubious mental state. I appreciate that some think the four month ban from all footballing activity (including training with Liverpool) is too harsh and penalises a club that had nothing to do with the incident. This is not the place to discuss this. This is the place to quote Joyce Grenfell:

"I think it serves you right if he bit you, and don't bite him back. Because he's smaller than you are. Are you bleeding? Then don't make such a fuss." I think it's fair to point out that in this instance 'he' is a hamster called Harold Wilson. And that Joyce Grenfell also admonished another little girl, "We never bite our friends."

As for someone who is possibly both, you can't go past Cristiano Ronaldo. After the infamous World Cup winking incident of 2006, he was pretty much loathed by everyone who wasn't a Man Utd supporter. In fact, 'I hate Ronaldo' was, according to Google, the most popular Man Utd-related web search of 2007. 

In 2008, Man Utd faced Chelsea in the the Champions League Final. It was 1-1 at full time and went to penalties. Ronaldo was the only Man Utd player who missed his penalty, but his team went on to win the title. Did he celebrate with his team-mates? No. He lay down in the centre circle and cried like the spoiled brat that he is because he thinks he is more important than his team, whether that team be Man Utd or Portugal. I still think he is a petulant, whining, arrogant, selfish, vain, indulgent, tantrum-throwing, self-obsessed, pouting prima donna, but...

Ronaldo has no tattoos. This is a massive plus in my book. But the reason is even better. Apparently he gives blood a couple of times a year, and European Law states that you can't donate blood if you have had a tattoo in the past four months. And that ridiculous haircut of his? I read on the internet that it was to match the scar of a young fan who had brain surgery. And then I read on the internet that it wasn't. Whichever, it has made me soften towards him just a little, which is good, because a character who is all bad does not make for compelling theatre.

Euro 2008: Who to support?

I am still smarting from England's absence, but I have been enjoying the football played at Euro 2008. It really is the beautiful game, and I don't have to bite off all my nails when my team step onto the pitch, because they're not there.

I don't have to shout rampant biased things at the referee and the opposition, but can instead appreciate each pass, save, volley, free kick, defensive header, crunching tackle, tactical run and, of course, the goals.

But I find sport more interesting if I'm supporting one side or the another. For the record, I'm backing Spain to win the tournament. True, their wordless national anthem is a little underwhelming, but they have the most Liverpool players, including the outstanding Fernando Torres.

It felt strange, this morning, watching the football and wanting Germany to beat Portugal. Football brings out tried and tested stereotypes, and long lost prejudices, largely based on cinematic portrayls and a couple of World Wars fought long before I was born.

So in the end it came down to a question of whom do I dislike more; Michael Ballack or Cristiano Ronaldo? No contest. Ballack may be a fouling, diving, aggressive, dirty player, but Ronaldo is a petulant, whining, cheating, arrogant, selfish, vain, indulgent, tantrum-throing, spoilt, self-obsessed, pouting prima donna.

Sure, he can be a stylish player, but the whinger (and no, that's not a typo) believes he is more than the team, whether that be Portugal or Man Utd. He may be a talented footballer but he is a disgrace to football, and for that reason alone I cheered on Germany.