Friday Five: Let's Go Die

That scene from The Shining

When Hoggy and his family were here for Christmas, he decided a nice festive family activity would be to watch The Shining – don’t worry; the kids had gone to bed. I’d never seen it before, and he encouraged turning off the lights and jumping at all the scary bits.

Then, when I’d finally calmed down enough to go to bed, he poked his head round the door with a “Heeere’s Johnny!” impersonation that made me scream and him giggle. We may be in our forties, but it seems that four year age-gap will always make me the eminently teaseable little sister.

Now, every time I watch a horror film (and it’s really not that often), I find myself thinking that some of these people who get themselves into spooky situations are pretty stupid – I mean, haven’t they ever watched any of the genre themselves? If not, I thought I would put together a handy cheat-sheet for them so they know what not to do, if ever they find themselves in that scenario.

5 Ways to Avoid Being in a Real-Life Horror:

1. If the big old house/hotel looks spooky, don’t buy it/stay in it, especially if it is near a lake/ impenetrable forest/ old fairground/ prison/ scared site/ burial ground… in fact, just stay away from the spooky house altogether, okay?
2. Under no circumstances enter the basement/ attic (don’t even get me started on caves/ tunnels/ dark alleyways/ walk-in freezers). If you really truly must, make sure you take a torch and a back-up torch and several spare sets of batteries. The only excuse for candles is if you live in pre-Victorian times and light bulbs haven’t been invented yet. Then you’re just asking for it, really – your whole life is a horror film. And while we're on the subject, never ever split up. Hold hands if you have to – as long as you can still carry the torch. Don’t bother with the weapon; they’re futile.
3. Don’t have children – they may look innocent but they invariably turn out to be the devil incarnate. The cuter they are; the more likely this is to be the case. Long/ curly hair is a dead giveaway. If you absolutely insist on having children about the place, never give them talking toys or porcelain dolls, and always take their imaginary friends very seriously indeed.
4. Always check the back seat of the car/ behind the shower curtain, and if the window/ mirror steams up, always check behind you before you wipe it clear. Don’t bother with under the bed or in the cupboard – the scary dude is never there; that’s reserved for the dead body.
5. Don’t ever host/ attend a function that calls for people to wear masks. No exceptions. Talking of costumes, wear more clothes – it’s nearly always the bint in the tight white vest and the teeny tiny shorts who gets bumped off first. As a general rule, try not to be female at all. Most directors of horror films are men and they prefer to pick on vulnerable women; I guess they just scream better.