|That scene from The Shining|
Then, when I’d finally calmed down enough to go to bed, he poked his head round the door with a “Heeere’s Johnny!” impersonation that made me scream and him giggle. We may be in our forties, but it seems that four year age-gap will always make me the eminently teaseable little sister.
Now, every time I watch a horror film (and it’s really not that often), I find myself thinking that some of these people who get themselves into spooky situations are pretty stupid – I mean, haven’t they ever watched any of the genre themselves? If not, I thought I would put together a handy cheat-sheet for them so they know what not to do, if ever they find themselves in that scenario.
5 Ways to Avoid Being in a Real-Life Horror:
- If the big old house/hotel looks spooky, don’t buy it/stay in it, especially if it is near a lake/ impenetrable forest/ old fairground/ prison/ scared site/ burial ground… in fact, just stay away from the spooky house altogether, okay?
- Under no circumstances enter the basement/ attic (don’t even get me started on caves/ tunnels/ dark alleyways/ walk-in freezers). If you really truly must, make sure you take a torch and a back-up torch and several spare sets of batteries. The only excuse for candles is if you live in pre-Victorian times and light bulbs haven’t been invented yet. Then you’re just asking for it, really – your whole life is a horror film. And while we're on the subject, never ever split up. Hold hands if you have to – as long as you can still carry the torch. Don’t bother with the weapon; they’re futile.
- Don’t have children – they may look innocent but they invariably turn out to be the devil incarnate. The cuter they are; the more likely this is to be the case. Long/ curly hair is a dead giveaway. If you absolutely insist on having children about the place, never give them talking toys or porcelain dolls, and always take their imaginary friends very seriously indeed.
- Always check the back seat of the car/ behind the shower curtain, and if the window/ mirror steams up, always check behind you before you wipe it clear. Don’t bother with under the bed or in the cupboard – the scary dude is never there; that’s reserved for the dead body.
- Don’t ever host/ attend a function that calls for people to wear masks. No exceptions. Talking of costumes, wear more clothes – it’s nearly always the bint in the tight white vest and the teeny tiny shorts who gets bumped off first. As a general rule, try not to be female at all. Most directors of horror films are men and they prefer to pick on vulnerable women; I guess they just scream better.