Capability Matrix

I have been at my current job for six months now, which means that it is time to fit me into the ‘capability matrix’. This futuristic-sounding vortex of dysfunction is, apparently, an ‘integral part of the overall human resources toolkit’.

Its purpose is to ‘identify areas of individual development’ and also to ‘prioritise our investment in training and development’. So far; so woolly. Of course, what we really want to know is how much we’ll get paid.

The idea is that each staff member sits down with their manager and goes through their nine page document saying why they think they’re wonderful and the manager says why they think they’re not, and it’s just a big tug o’ war of personal skills until someone gives up and looses the will to live.

I had the initial meeting with my (admittedly very nice, and not steeped in the corporate mire) manager this week. Six pages, two hours and a couple of strong long blacks later, we had still not finished our ‘performance objectives discussion’, so we must schedule a time to complete this. In the meantime I am floating in virtual limbo-land without a placement on the wherewithal template.

I had told my husband that I was undergoing this procedure, and on the way home he asked, ‘So, are you capable then?’ I told him I was only half capable and that this meant he would have to cook dinner. So far, he has made me pork fillet on potato rosti with apple and red onion chutney; tangy soy mushrooms with soba noodles; spicy cauliflower with chilli and Indian potato curry. I wonder how long I can keep this going…